1 meal a day and I’m OK

For those who know me…. and any strangers there may be floating around I haven’t met yet… if you’ve followed my blog you know that I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder. As a result my transition to food, is extra scary.

By Goddess after 3 months of not having a sample of anything but my Chocolate Optifast shakes I was sure the second food hit my mouth I would relapse and

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Today is Friday, I have been eating since Wednesday night… and so far so good *Knock on wood*. I can’t lie and say the cravings are tolerable… or that I think I’m cured forever… or even that I think I can make it through the week. I’m taking this thing one meal at a time. So far the way I’ve been able to combat the urges is to A) Make sure I never eat alone… and B) Make sure I weigh out my portions on my food scale… I’ve been known to make HUGE portions for myself thinking it was a normal size… my eyes lie all the damned time.

When it comes down to it, I don’t trust myself around food. Part of me is SOOOO ready to eat because after 3 months of not having anything but my shakes I would club a baby seal for something that tastes different… something I can CHEW… But at the same time.. I’ve done REALLY well when I took food out of the equation. Sure it took awhile to slip into the groove… and while waiting to find that groove I wanted to cry more often than not, but I got there.. and really… it got to a point where my shakes were a source of comfort. Hmm it’s meal time.. Goes to kitchen, makes shake, drinks shake, leaves kitchen. DONE. No thinking required, no chance to make a poor choice…. no ability to binge on it.. OMG I added too much water…. wait nm I needed more water, so really I just helped myself YAY. Seriously, it was impossible to fuck up. And now here I am… back to preparing meals.

Have I done good? You bet your butt I have… But that doesn’t mean I don’t fear tomorrow. I’m always afraid of the next meal.. will this be the time I go too far.. Will that bite break my resolve… will I go back to how I was? And recently a new fear has cropped up…. Will I go from one extreme (Binging) to the other (Starving)… will my fear of consuming real food lead to me not being able to carry on the healthy choices I know how to make.  That fear popped up after I looked at this meal (Last night’s supper)IMG_20140724_195343and worry that I was eating too much. Do you want to know what was in that bowl? 2 lettuce leaves, 1 Italian tomato, 3 spears of cucumbers, 6 thinly sliced eggplant “chips”,  a table spoon of green onion, 1 oz of cheese, 2 oz of lean boneless skinnless chicken, and 2 tbl spoons of salsa. I was afraid.. and still worry.. that THAT was too much food. I’m supposed to be having a cup of vegetables a day this week… so according to the cup I shoved stuff in, that was it (except the lettuce leaves because even chopped up they were fluffy and frilly and did not want to conform… but I figure it’s lettuce, it can’t be that bad.. and I only had 2 leaves of it).

This morning I woke up and said SHIT… I spent the night stressing over a cup of veg and carefully weighed out protein options that my book has allowed. What the hell man? I’m afraid that if I continue to stress like this, I’ll eventually go to the opposite scale from what I was… The only thing that keeps me thinking this can’t ever happen to me, is the fact that I genuinely love food. I couldn’t give it up…. but that leads me to bulimia. That’s a road I don’t want to go down… but it’s a road my brain is telling me I could go down if I’m not careful. I want to lose the rest of this weight so badly. I’ve been such a good girl, I’ve had my shakes, lost nearly 60 lbs…. I want to keep going. I know on program I will be OK…. but program doesn’t last forever.

I’m standing before you now… to tell you I’m afraid. Food terrifies me. As much as I adore it, and the novelty of eating hasn’t yet worn off… I still swear it’s orgasmic to have so much flavour explode in your mouth with each bite….. But a part of me, in the darkest corner of my mind… wishes I could just never eat again, or purge the food I will eat… until I’m the right size.

And I know that is NOT OK. So here I am, asking you to watch over me… if I start to look like I’m skipping meals, or if I start making bathroom trips to puke… or if I just … start to slip.. in whatever direction… Please catch me. I don’t want to hurt myself….. but I don’t want to be fat anymore either.

<3

Comments 10

  • You got it toots! I think the main thing to take away here is the program is to train you into a healthy lifestyle. Technically it never ends. It shows you the way and you follow it.

    Food should not insight fear. You shouldn’t worry about it. You’re over thinking it as women do and that’s where the anxiety comes into play.

    Just follow the program until it’s ingrained in your mind and then keep doing that.

    You’re doing awesome shannon and should just be happy and proud <3

  • I am here as your amino. Always sending positive energy to back you up, mediating for your continued success as are countless others. Remember this though, you are a powerful, tough, victorious woman who’s done something a very small portion of the universe has been able to do. You are WINNING. You go girl. We, your supporters & cheerleaders go your back & your front too. Just keep on, keeping on & you’ll be just fine.

  • Shannon, I am so proud of you, you have been amazing and I wish you the best as you work on this cause I know you will WIN!!!!

  • Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. It means a lot to me to have you all in my corner… Makes it a little less scary. *Big breath* I love you all

  • I am so proud of you, beautiful. Admitting that you have these fears is the first step. Asking for help dealing with them, the second. You’re well on your way. You’re determined and focused, and you’ve got so much support. Remember that you’ve come this far, so far, and you can go further if you want to. Never give up. You can do it. You have it in you. We believe. #shan2014 and all that 😉 *snug*

  • I wish you luck in overcoming this. I share your fear of the pendulem swinging too far the other way. Obsessing over eating what are in fact VERY small portions of healthy food is troubling. But with support and a careful eye and honestly, hopefully you can see and learn and grow with the changes and not just starve yourself to thinness. A healthy fit you is the best one!

  • You are stronger than you give yourself credit for child. You have come so far on this journey, don’t turn back. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will all be ok. Rely on yourself to make the right choices and we will all be here to pat you on the back and hug you. I love you muchly.

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