20 lbs lighter

This week I lost 5.5 lbs, which officially brings my total to 20.5 lbs gone! See ya! “Hit the Road jack! And don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more, hit the road Jack! And don’t you come back no more” (And if you get that reference… I love you)

20 lbs is A LOT, it’s more than I have ever been able to lose on my own, it’s more than I thought I’d have lost at this point… and I am amazed at how much of a difference 20 lbs makes. 2 bags of potatoes have left the building y’all and the change is… amazing. I don’t even feel like the same person, and I’m so excited to see what another 20 will bring.

We are told in group, not to focus on the number, but on all the other things that you notice (because sometimes the scale just won’t budge.. but that doesn’t mean you haven’t lost fat and gained muscle, or lost inches etc)… So for my own record (and now also for your eyes), here are some of the changes I have noticed after 20 lbs gone:

  1. I can walk without constant pain – My record right now at a brisk pace is 6.5 minutes! (Pre-loss, I was able to walk MAYBE almost a minute at a slow pace before my back would spasm and my ankles would protest)
  2. My shirts and pants are looser around the belly area, which in turn makes me feel less awkward in public with my shirt riding up every 5 seconds if I so much as twitch
  3. My anxiety has gotten a lot better, at least in normal situations (before the loss, I couldn’t even pump gas without having to fight the panic whenever people were around… now my first thought isn’t immediately that they are about to make a snide remark or laugh at me for being fat and having the audacity to be seen in public (yeah it’s fun to live in my brain).. ANYWAY, I don’t immediately jump to that conclusion most days now 😀 and yes I realize, by societies standards I’m still hella fat, but I don’t care. Now I have the courage that comes from knowing, I used to be worse off than this, if they can’t see (or aren’t aware) or the progress I’ve made… then they can suck on a rotten egg because I’m excited and proud of myself!
  4. I have more periods of happy, and less of utter depression. It used to be hard for me to get out of bed, I hated myself, I hated the world, I didn’t want to be seen anymore, I was embarrassed at how fat I’d become, and I wanted nothing more than to just quietly die in my sleep, no fuss, no muss, and then no one would have to see me ever again…. I can happily say, I haven’t had any thoughts like that lately… and in fact I’m finding I wake up eager to start the day and see all the things I can accomplish.
  5. I’ve started to paint, and write again, I’m re-discovering hobbies I used to love, and stopped doing because I didn’t feel I deserved to have a hobby when I was such a disgrace to humanity (I’m telling ya, my brain is a pretty awesome place to hang out LOL).

Anyway, in 5 weeks, I’ve come SO far… further than I thought I would have by now, and I’m so excited to see what the future has in store for me! I may miss food, but these shakes really are a blessing, and I am so overjoyed to be a part of such a compassionate, caring, understanding program… a program that makes me feel like I’m NOT a freak, I’m OK, and there is a team of people there to help me if/when I need it.

Not all success can be measured in numbers… and honestly, as excited as I am by the number (I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled), I’m even more excited at the freedom and happiness I’ve found. Every day I come one step closer to becoming the person I know I can be…

And for your viewing pleasure… now that I am NO LONGER this size (sure I’m still close… but a pound is a pound, and an inch is an inch.. and my belly is 5.5 inches smaller, and I’m 20.5 pounds lighter… ) I feel more secure in posting pics of it.. Here is my Fat Suit, My Budda Belly, My body cast a la duct tape, in all her glory.. Isn’t she pretty? Eh not so much… but this was mine and the man’s first ever attempt at mummifying myself in duct tape, so I’m going to say it turned out pretty decent 😛

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