Father’s day, has always been a hard day for me. I did my best to keep busy today. And by busy I mean kept my mind occupied wishing all the GOOD father’s I know a Happy father’s day, and binge watching TV…. mostly I stayed glued to one spot all day and tried to avoid the internet and my phone as much as possible so that I would keep my brain occupied rather than going to the dark place it likes to dwell on Father’s day. I almost made it… but then I ran out of The Mindy’ Project episodes and my love is off to work and the house is so empty and so my brain decided HEY let’s think of really depressing things.. cause THAT’S a fun way to spend Sunday night….
Do you want to know what the worst part about Father’s day is? It’s knowing that your own Father doesn’t love you. Couldn’t care less about you, and seems to feel OK that he broke you in such a way that you may never be normal again. How do you un-break yourself from emotional damage? How the hell do you move on from someone who was supposed to love you, telling you that you are a shitty human being and that no one will ever love you? How are you supposed to be OK after YEARS of emotional abuse.
I don’t even sit at or eat at my dining room table. Why? Well because I grew up with “Supper” being code word for, what will he yell at me for today? I don’t remember many meals ending with anything other than me in tears and hiding in my room. At least not until he was gone from the house.. but that’s when the other fun issues started like him not giving 2 shits about me or my brother, being FORCED To spend time with us… knowing that if ever anything happened to me, I didn’t have someone I could turn to in him. Hell I TRIED to turn to him a few times (i.e when I needed my wisdom teeth taken out months before my benefits kicked in and couldn’t afford the surgery… he refused to help. Or like the time I needed help to pay one of my tuition payments because I was a little short.. he made my mom sell her life insurance to him so he’d pitch in like 200$ or something retarded like that, or how about the time(s) I initiated dinner’s with us… and he’d cancel because ANYTHING happened…. Once he cancelled because it was raining and he didn’t want to drive to see us in the rain.. another time because his friends called and asked him to go to dinner… because Yeah you’re friends that you see ALL THE TIME are more important than the daughter you hadn’t seen in 6 months at that point…. OR the multiple times he cancelled because he wanted to go bowling or play darts instead of seeing us… and OH don’t let me forget how he’d expect ME to treat HIM and My brother to supper every second time because Hey you’re working now……. I was in HIGHSCHOOL.. yet this grown ass man with a government job and his wife with a government job, want ME the girl who works weekends at the Yogen Fruz to pay for his supper because “it’s only fair”….. UGH!)
Shit.. and now I’m crying.
I sincerely hope that seeing all of my male friends, who are AMAZING people, become fathers, that maybe it will help me to see that No, in fact, DAD isn’t a four letter word. Maybe I’ll find the strength to forgive the monster who donated sperm to my existence and broke me so badly that I have only dated guys who would hurt me… or find a way to sabotage any good relationship I’ve been in before they had the chance to hurt me.
How my love and I have been together 6.5 years already is beyond me… how we didn’t kill each other or run far far away from each other, is something that I will not understand.
I still wake up some days sure that I’m going to wake up to an empty house because it can’t be real that I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me. That’s just not a thing I deserve. I try my best to be a good person.. but I’m fundamentally broken. And I don’t think I’ll ever be OK.
I mean, come on! I write blogs like THIS…. yet somehow he has stayed 6.5 years and he says the L word on the regular. He deserves a medal LOL.
Sorry… this post is emo… and normally I do my best to limit my depression to just being gloomy and not indulge in the darker side of my depression… but in moments like this I’d normally make myself a huge heaping plate of nachos with extra cheese, and do my best to forget everything for as long as it took before I was too tired to stay awake.
I figured tonight I should blog… Maybe it’ll help.
I mean it HAS been a few years now since he wrote that huge letter detailing all the ways in which I am a horrible person… how I ruined his life with my existence, how I am selfish and annoying and a bitch and I’m basically the scum of the earth (out of the blue I might add)… but it’s been YEARS… I’ve been able to forgive the jack-wad who raped me… but I can’t seem to forgive him.
Normally I can’t hold a grudge… but there are some kinds of damage you just can’t come back from, and try as I might… I’m broken. The pills help keep me level… my constant work on staying positive and finding the silver lining help keep me out of this dark place… but sometimes that place is just too dark, and Father’s Day tends to be one of those times for me.
I imagine his wife took him out for brunch today… because that’s something she’d do.. Hell she’d make us celebrate Mother’s day with her, even though she was the rudest horrible person I’ve ever known. She gave my brother crap once when he was a kid because he wanted to eat pizza with his hands….. She yelled at me once because I was singing in my room at his place….. OK OK it wasn’t My room.. they let me use the guest room while my brother slept on the couch in the basement… but only if I made sure to clean every trace of me from the room before I left. Yep that’s right folks, I wasn’t even allowed to keep clothes at my dad’s house…. She would complain about us in french… IN FRONT OF US… and we both understand french… a point she well knew…. But yeah, she’d call herself my Step-Mom and have Al take her out for brunch or make us come with… because Hey, It’s Mother’s day.. and we should be nicer to her and sensitive to the fact that she never had kids so we’re all she’s got… Ummm Hello, I’m not opposed to the idea of a step mom, hell I love my step dad…. but that’s something you EARN, not just say you have because you married someone with kids.
Anyway, off topic…. But yeah, I imagine him still celebrating Father’s day as if pumping into my mom a few times makes him some kind of hero… When in reality You’re a JERK and I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that what i imagined is not true, and that you’ve given up celebrating father’s day since you are in fact NOT the father.
I wish a DNA test would prove that… but it wouldn’t. BLAH
Don’t even get me started on the anger that I feel whenever I see anything related to the Knights of Columbus… and how I am reminded of all the time’s he’d “jokingly” tell me to call him “The Right Honorable Poppy” because apparently he’d risen to the rank of The Right Honorable whatever in the Knights…. How that man, could ever carry THAT title is beyond me.
UGH. I hate today. I hate all the feelings it brings up… and I hate the fact that I hate it so much. Every year I try to find the good in today, I try to focus on how AWESOME my guy friends are (and they truly are), and I try to look at my Uncles and see how they treat my cousins and remind myself that SEE not every guy is a freaking JERK…. But every year it just rips open the wound again and I wish I could just forget this day ever happened. I wish I could forget the pain he caused me… and I wish I wasn’t so angry all the time.
My “father” is a horrible person. I know I know, if you know him as Uncle or as a random guy on the street he seems nice.. he cracks jokes and he makes cat noises with his mouth and loves oldies and looks harmless…. But you don’t know him like I do.. and you should thank your lucky stars for that fact, because he is a monster.
Thank God tomorrow is a new day and the wound will start to close again for another year. Maybe next year will be better! Maybe next year will be the year I can make it a whole 24 hours on Father’s day without thinking about the bastard who damaged me so badly.
Here’s to 364 more days to try and learn to forgive and forget.. or heal… or maybe I’ll eventually finish crying it out and move on.
I hate feelings. Seriously. What’s up with tears… why is that a thing? Like hello My name is Brain and I’m going to think of something sad.. and then your eyes get all excited like “OOOOOH I want to get sad too” and brain says “but you can’t SEE the sad things I’m thinking of because it’s just a thought which is totally not right in front of you” so then the eyes say “Pssssssshhhh I can leak water all over the place man, and somehow it’ll make your nose get all swollen and then you’ll be all red and splotchy and sniffle a lot and it’ll be OFF THE CHARTS AWESOME” and then since brain is an idiot it thinks this is a GREAT idea and implements the “crying” sequence… at which point heart breaks and I blog.
Happy Father’s day to all the people who are better than Al.