Full disclosure? I am afraid of tomorrow, scared of what will happen, of what I am about to face, of admitting things I haven’t even had the guts to write on here yet. This is even more scary than me admitting and going through the process of a mental health exam at the Royal Ottawa.
Tomorrow, I have a 5 hour in-depth consult with the General Hospital’s eating disorder clinic.
I wasn’t afraid, not really.. not until I filled out their 24 page pre-consult package. The questions they asked brought to light a lot of things I didn’t think I still did, or that I figured were normal, but it’s included in the questionnaire so maybe not so normal after all.. For example: How many days in the last 28 days, have you worried about how much or how little you are eating. (my answer, 28). How often do you feel out of control? (28) the list goes on and on. 24 pages of eye opening questions that left me feeling shaken and terrified for tomorrow.
More than once in the last year that I have been on this waiting list, I have thought about cancelling. I thought, hell it has been ages since my last binge, I got this. Why take up someone’s spot who is in a worse place than me… After reading my answers to their questions, I don’t know how I could have ever thought I had control over this. I’m lost, I know I am not alone… I know I have support out the wazoo… but I still feel lost, out of control, spiraling into chaos.
We will see what tomorrow brings, with any luck it will go better than I am expecting.. but we have all seen what my luck is like, so I’m bracing myself for disaster.
I’ll update again as soon as I can. At this point I don’t know how I’ll feel afterwards, I may not be much use to anyone.. I may go full hermit mode for awhile.
Talk when I can.