So tomorrow is officially my first full week on program. I have to say that I really am enjoying the shakes… it’s like a constant dessert party in my mouth.
With that said though. I miss food… like so much. I miss chewing things. I miss the flavor explosion of nachos and the feeling of crunchy stuff in my mouth and salt and spices and vegetables. I KNOW the shakes are a gift.. I know that I’m loosing weight rapidly and that is actually blowing my mind.
But holy crap.. can’t these cravings just start getting better already? I cooked chicken tonight for Mike while he slept… and I cried.. I mother Effing Cried because I was cooking chicken and the smell punched me in the gut and I wanted nothing more than to eat just one freaking bite of the mother bleeping chicken! But I knew if I did, I wouldn’t stop.. I want food so bad it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of right now… and I’m not getting ANY!
I prepped myself for the physical aspects, the possibility of hair loss and short temper and hunger pains and dizziness and all that jazz. I’m prepared as fuck for the physical part…. but the cravings? That’s what’s killing me. Things that I didn’t even like that much before, smell like heaven to me now… I’m OK usually during the day, especially in the morning. I wake up and I’m all WOOT let’ grab this day by the balls and drink all the shakes and laugh at all the fat that is running away like little Adipose babies ( Dr. Who reference – http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Adipose )!!! and then night-time hits, and I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep to avoid the cravings. I swear I see pizza when I blink.
I don’t want to come off as a whiny little girl… and I’m doing my freaking best here. I haven’t cheated once, not even a little… and I’ve stuck to my guns about not even using a single solitary calorie from my allotted 20 calorie a day max I’m allowed. My theory is that during this crucial time.. every… single… calorie COUNTS man. Every calorie I ingest that isn’t needed, is one more calorie I need to burn off in order to lose as much weight as was humanly possible while on these shakes. I want to lose as much as possible while I have this chance. I truly am committed, and I’m not going to give up… But I’d really like to stop crying when my boyfriend eats supper, or when I watch a TV show and they happen to be eating tacos and it makes my mouth water and my stomach clinch in hunger that I swore I wasn’t feeling before I saw that food cue.
I have had NOTHING but water, and shakes.. for 6 days. It feels like it’s been longer.. I swear to you it feels like I’ve been doing this for months already.. but when I write down the number 6, it seems so trivial. I mean big whoop, I’m 6 days down and another 78 to go.
I really don’t want to cry in group. Like REALLY don’t want to do that. I hope I don’t. That would humiliate me. But I’m so effing fragile right now, like I don’t even know how to put it into words.
Hopefully week 2 will be at least a fraction of a bit easier. Fingers crossed!