Doom and Gloom

It has been far too long since my last blog post. I wish I could say it was because I was off on some fantastic adventure, but reality is I was simply swamped.

In the past few weeks since my last post, my partner and I have made it through a potentially serious health crisis (Thankfully there is nothing to worry about now), and have learned that we are both too stressed out and both of our bodies have started to burn out. As a result I have been crying more, and unable to lose weight as well as being almost constantly tired or feeling so overwhelmed by life that I curl up on my couch in hopes that the rest of the world will leave me alone. My partner has been having physical manifestations of his stress as well. In short, we both need to relax.
Sometimes life is hard, and we don’t always have a say in what is thrown at us. I try to believe we are never given more than we can handle. However the longer it takes for me to lose weight, and the longer I feel as though Life is swallowing my whole, I am not so sure. I’ve survived Rape, Abusive relationships, Abusive friendships, an eating disorder, and countless times when my depression would rear its ugly head and try to keep me down. Yet knowing I’ve survived is not enough to help propel me forward. Knowing how far I’ve come, has done nothing to prepare me for the roads ahead.
Once again I find myself wishing Life came with some sort of manual, or directions, with a clear path drawn out so I would know what choices to make, and when, in order to achieve my goals.
What are my goals? They are simple. I wish to live Happily Ever After… By that I don’t mean to find my Prince Charming and have myself rescued from some fire breathing dragon (though that sounds like fun!)… I mean I wish to reach a point in my life where I am happy. Where my body, mind and soul are unified in how I view myself, where I am not living paycheck to paycheck and wondering if I will ever have disposable income with which to travel or buy shiny things. I want to reach a point where I can sit back and look at what I’ve accomplished with life and feel Pride. Rather than now, where I look around myself and all I see are ruins of failed dreams and painful memories.
I’m in a rough spot. And with my birthday fast approaching it’s not getting any easier. One year older, one more year further away from where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I don’t mind my age per say… Hell I’m still fairly young (though the gray hair that has started as a result of stress and/or old age makes me feel older lol), it’s simply that I feel like at my age, I should be further along than I am. I think Facebook is a large contributing factor to this sadness, and so I have contemplated many time of simply de-activating my account. Seeing everyone I know having the things I thought I would have by now is hard. Especially when I feel as though I am stuck in this dark hole and can’t yet see a way out of it. By now I was sure I would be married, have my own house as opposed to renting. I would have a full time career and be planning my retirement. Granted maybe those aren’t super exciting goals for most… but they are what I want. Financial stability is a driving force in my life.
Instead of that, I am still searching for something full time, I am still renting, and have nothing saved up to make a down-payment on a house, I am not yet married (though I found the most amazing Man so I know it will happen in due time WOOT!), and all in all I feel somewhat of a failure at life lol.
I know eventually I’ll be married, eventually I’ll have a home, eventually someone has to hire me on full time or I’ll be able to make enough at my side jobs to turn THAT into a career. I have a few irons in the fire, just waiting to see which will bite. I’m working my tail off here, and I think that just adds to why I am so stressed out. For years I’ve been working my tail off trying to impress my bosses, trying to fit in, trying to maintain some semblance of a life, trying to live while having no benefits, no sick days, no vacation days, not safety net. It’s all catching up to me. And I feel lost.
Right… so umm. That is all the Doom and Gloom I will allow for one post. Here’s a happy note. 😛
I have spent the last few months soul searching and discovering new aspects of myself. And I am so happy with what I have been finding. I am on the precipice of change, and for that I am SO excited!! The last few weeks have been spent getting my ducks in a row and soon I hope that the Doom and Gloom listed above will be a thing of the past! Furthermore My love and I are healthy (aside from stress) and madly in love. I find I grow more in love with this man each and every day <3 How we made it this far, through all the shizz we’ve been through I’ll never be able to understand. But I know we’ve made it, and it’s made us a stronger more cohesive unit. If ever there was a reason to be Thankful... It is because of him, and who we are together. Also, on a random side note, I have been embracing my inner Bitch and she is a fun person to be around…. Well unless you’re on the receiving end of my Dominating side 😉 You know what. I think this post will be One of Two: With Thanksgiving and my Birthday approaching, and especially since my brain went into a downward spiral lately. I need to write a happy post. It may not be that long, or it may be crazy long. I’ve no idea. But I will write a post about why I am thankful. A post to focus on the positive, and help lift my sprit, so that I may see what a Phenomenal Woman I am, and will Always Be.

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