Sometimes life get’s in the way, and when that happens I find myself falling behind. The hardest part about life I find, is finding the time to take care of myself. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? But it’s the truth. Everyone else seems more important to me, than me… and that doesn’t feel fair. But how do you change the person that you have fundamentally been for the last 27 years.
I have gained again. I hate writing those words. To even think them, makes me cringe. To post them hurts my heart… but it has happened and now I have to find a way to re-focus and move on. I can blame the holiday and delicious BBQ’s or any other number of reasons, but the only one to blame is me, and my lack of will power. I have been so busy lately doing ALL THE THINGS, that I haven’t taken the time to go grocery shopping or cook healthy meals… Meals that I have been craving. How does this make sense? I am craving healthy food, I WANT healthy food, and I’m trying to lose weight…. So let’s eat Pizza? How broken is my brain that I’m self-sabotaging to this extent?
In fairness I have had a lot on my plate lately, and have had a lot on my mind; and knowing myself my fall back to deal with stress and anxiety has been to eat. In a weird way I crave boredom. I crave stability and normalcy and I wish fervently that I had more time, for all the people and all the things that I love. I wish I could find a way to make everything fit in properly, and still have time to relax and have my much needed down time. Of course that will never happen, and since I can’t bend time and space, I need to adapt. I need to find a way to pick and choose and make everything fit somehow. I need to find balance and serenity. I need to organize my life, which is something I’m completely useless with. I feel constantly exhausted, to the point where I lack the energy to cook or clean once I get home. On the weekends I want to stay wrapped up in the warm blanket of home and never leave. Of course because of my anxiety I have been forcing myself out into the world more and more often, which has been GREAT and lots of fun, but it has also aided in stretching myself thinner and feeling as though time is swallowing me up whole leaving nothing left behind to get necessary things done. Sometimes all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to acknowledge the world outside my bedroom door, I just want to keep to myself and catch up somehow on the time I’ve lost. Sometimes I honestly wish I had no friends, no family, nothing in my life but time and space and the ability to breathe, and feel no responsibility for anyone or anything. I feel like a horrible person for feeling these things, I love my friends and family and sometimes it feels as though my heart is going to explode from happiness that my life is so riche because of these amazing people. This is me… always at war with my own self. I wonder if I will ever be able to fully unify the two aspects of me, the need for solitude, the need to love and keep people close, which side will inevitably win this tug of war? I hope neither do… I hope I am able to find the balance one day soon. Like my doctor has told me time and again… if I can focus on my mental health, the physical health will follow.
So how do YOU do it? Find the balance between seeing the people you love, going to work, getting house work done, having time to rest and relax and do nothing… How do you cope with life without becoming a blimp like me?
Thanks for reading… as always I love you all <3 you’re the Best!!! And I am truly blessed