Food is Hard

You know what was easy? 4 shakes a day… that shizz was easy compared to what I’m doing now. Food is hard man. Maybe it’s harder for me because of the binge eating disorder hanging over my head every moment of the day waiting for the opportunity to have me slip off the wagon… or maybe it’s hard for everyone in transition… or just everyone in general… but it seems to me, the closer we get to full food, the harder it gets for me to make sure I’m following the plan to the letter.

This week, I’m on 1 shake a day plus food (My book is not with me so I can’t break it down with exact amounts but if memory serves it is: 1 shake + 2 fruit options + 4 meat / meat alt options + 1 fat +2 dairy + 3 grain/starches …. don’t quote me on those amounts because I could be off.. I still have to stare at that freaking book before every meal to figure out what I can eat, what’s left that I have to eat.. yadda yadda… it’s exhausting.

Part of me is wondering if it’s because of the fact that I’m transitioning, so I still have to get in all this food (which personally I find to be A LOT of food.. and makes me wonder if THAT’S how much I’m supposed to be eating… how the hell did I ever survive on the little bit of food I allowed myself before the diet?), and have a shake… and it just seems like too much. I’m in a constant state of OMG THIS IS TOO MUCH FOOD.. WHY AM I EATING? AM I BINGING? IS THIS NORMAL? DO NORMAL PEOPLE EAT THIS MUCH???

I’m hoping once I’m off shakes and just on food, that eventually I’ll simmer down and get used to eating again. As much as I am in love with the flavor explosions my mouth has been experiencing….. I find myself.. still 4 weeks later.. terrified of food and missing my shakes. Weirdly, when it’s time for my shake I feel a sense of peace wash over me like “Ahhhhh, this is OK… I’m allowed this.. it’s measured out, it’s from the hospital, I’ve lost a lot of weight using this… this is my friend”… when it’s time for food, I’m like “OMG That is a lot… but I measured it…. and the book says…. but what if the book lies? I mean I have gained weight while eating… but last week I lost…. but the week before I gained… but what if I’m doing this wrong? Can someone just come here and make all the things and pretend they are the hospital and that this is a shake and if I eat this specific thing that I’ll be OK?” *sigh*  I’ll say it again.. Food is hard.

I’m eager to see what the scale says this week… maybe if I see a loss 2 weeks in a row it will help ease the anxiety… maybe it’s time for me to plan my one on one with my dietician to make a plan for once I’m off the shakes completely…

With any luck, soon food will be normal for me again,  and I’ll stop thinking of it as the enemy set out to destroy the progress I have made. My history with food is sketchy at best….. so I think it’s a long road ahead to being able to be friends with food. *sigh*

Here’s to hoping !

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