Well it is once again Make and Effort Monday, and i’ve succesfully made it through another weekend. I did my groceries and once again resisted the urge to buy the ingrediants for nachos. Still craving them, though not as strongly which I am thinking is a good sign!
Had a horrible weekend anxiety wise, but things are settling down now. I wish I had more control over when my anxiety strikes, especially since the logical part of my brain thinks I’m insane. I had a minor melt down when my mom came to visit simply because I was at work during the day and unable to run home and clean the house. It’s my mom.. she doesn’t give a crap if the house is a mess or if it’s spotless she just wants to visit.. but still my brain went a little mental. I have a hard time letting people come over if I think the house is a mess, which I normally think it is because I’m not home during the day to clean and by the time I get home I’m too tired and/or lazy to do a thing, which leaves cleaning for the weekends. It’s especially hard because we live in a state of half-renovation. I’ve been waiting 15 months now for some projects to be completed, and having people remind me constantly about how long it’s been or how crap-tastic my house looks just adds to the stress I feel whenever I see it’s not done. Mind you these projects that aren’t done aren’t things I am comfortable doing myself so I must be patient and wait until it is done by someone capable. And since I’m broke as hell I can’t afford to pay for it to be fixed.. so I’m waiting.
For those who are reading. I know my house looks like crap. It’s going to continue to look like crap until it is done being renovated. That will take as long as it takes and I need to learn how to just go with the flow. Please help me.
I am not made of money, nor are my parents. The house will get fixed as we can afford to fix it.. which will take a long time. I know this, I accept this, so please stop telling me that it looks horrible. I know it does… I live there. It looks better than it did, believe me, and it will continue to look better as we fix things. The list of things to fix is a very very long one, so please bare with me.
Come the summer I would love to host a BBQ for my friends, but the thought right now sends me into a huge anxiety attack.. all those people there judging my half renovated house. Why can’t I just shut my brain off and enjoy an awesome day with friends. Who cares if the house looks like crap, if the walls aren’t fully painted, if the light in the entryway is missing the globe because I don’t have a ladder tall enough yet to put it back up. Who Freaking Cares, the food would be amazing, the laughter genuine, the fun will be had by all… And yet I know if I do this, I won’t be able to truly enjoy myself right now simply because of this irrational fear I have over judgement from people who don’t freaking judge me! Seriously.. how do people relax, or just enjoy life? I need to learn it.
Did I mention I’ve found grey hairs lately lol. Don’t get me wrong I love them.. I have looked younger than my age my whole life, it’s nice to see some kind of sign that I’m no longer in my youth. But I know those grey (well white) hairs are from stress. *I shall beat you up stress when I find you*
I’ve gotten off track I think.. The point is I walked this weekend, I tried to make better choices, I played a lot of WOW and got my toon up to 80 and a half! And I did everything I could to cope with the anxiety attacks I kept having. Today is Monday and I’m feeling better. One foot in front of the other and I’ll make it through.
P.S I love my house, I see the beauty that it could have.. I have basically a 4 bedroom house with a living room, family room, 2 full bathrooms, a storage room, a mudroom, a shed, a big back yard, a big front yard, and loads of light. for the price of a one bedroom apartment rental. I love my home. And in time it will be fixed and it will be awesome. I’m in the midst of figuring out how/when we can officially buy it. Until that time I think of it as a rent to own lol. And one day we will flip that house and send it off to a loving family who will love it as much as I do.. and I will find a house, probably in the country, with loads of room for Mike to frolic with his toys LOL and for me to feel more free to be myself as I won’t have neighbors to worry about. Until that magical day comes I will continue to love my house and contiue to fix it up as I am able to. No it’s not perfect.. and I know it will take time. Bare with me, and please don’t hate on the house for it’s imperfections. It took over 20 years for it to become as run down as it is, and i’ve only been there 15 months.. with no cash. It will take time to make it beautiful again lol.
Anyone who helps get’s free food and beer (or non-alcoholic beverages as it is their choice) 😛 lol