Going Strong..ish

Well yesterday was tough for me.  I had a stressful day and then had to go grocery shopping. For most people this wouldn’t be an issue… for me it was pure hell.  The urge to buy all sorts of crap flooded my brain while I walked up and down isles. Everything that is tempting to me was on sale. I swear I was drooling lol. Nacho chips, salsa AND cheese… all on sale. It was like my disorder was working against me.. It would be so easy just to cave in.. just to buy a little. I sound like a drug addict.

Once again I fought the urge. I have no idea how, but I did it. I must have picked up the nacho chips at least 5 times.. walking up and down the aisle, first saying No.. then pleading Yes.. A war raging inside my brain.  Stressful days lead to my wanting to binge.  I have no coping mechanisms.. I don’t smoke, or drink, or do drugs.. what harm is it if I just have a little bit of food? Everyone needs to eat. Are you starting to see how dangerous it is? The logic of “Well I can keep telling myself to quit smoking because of how bad it is for me, and how I don’t actually need it to survive” doesn’t exist when I talk about food. Sure I can say, let’s not eat Crap today Shannon.. but the fact is I have to eat. And every time I do the urge is there to just keep going. It helps make the stress of the day melt away, it helps fill the empty voids I feel from depression and anger and hurt and whatever else is going on. It helps… But at the same time, it’s a very slow, prolonged suicide.  The more I give in to the urge to gorge on horrible food, the closer I come to inevitable death. It’s terrifying.

So somehow I found the strength to say no. I managed to shop while everything I craved was on sale.. and I said NO. I stuck to my list, and got it down, and the bonus I guess is all my walking around added probably an extra half hour to my grocery trip, so it was like an added 30 min walk. Since it was Walk Waddle or Dodge a wrench Wednesday I’m going to say that’s a good thing.

I feel so weak, and yet I know I’ve been strong. I just wish it was easier to fight the urges, I wish it was getting easier. Any amount of stress seems to set me off on a spiral of binge thoughts, and the war continues. My mind is a battle field, I’m at war with myself.  This blog gives me the strength I need, and the support I’ve had through comments and emails has helped. I hope it’ll be enough. I hope there is a happy ending when all is said and done. I wish I could eat without thinking about it. That the right portion size, or the right amount or what not was just automatic. I wish I didn’t have to think about food constantly to try to ensure I monitor my urges and stop myself before I binge.. I wish I wasn’t so broken.

One more foot forward, and I’m now on a mission to find ways to help me deal with stress.  I’m going to start Vapeing Zero’s (it’s an electronic cigarette with none of the harmful things in cigarettes, and also since I’ll be doing zero nicotine there won’t be that.. it’d just be natural and artificial flavours and the liquid that holds it and allows it to turn to vapour. It’s not harmful but I’ll taste yummy! )and see if the feeling of ingesting something that tastes delish, but has no negative effect on my body, and is a lot less calories than actually EATING will help when I need a release. We’ll see if it helps 🙂

Comments 10

  • Who Da boss? You Da Boss Love you hun

  • Good job, Shannon. The pay off is you will be healthier because of good decisions. I stay a long way away from chip wagons, avoid the snack aisles & only breathe the fumes of KFC and I tell you those things were hard to give up. Treat yourself to non edibles as rewards: deliciously scented body creams & candles, and those 100 calorie treats are pretty good too. Have to get me some Moolicious Skinny Cow treats as summer is a-coming.

    Keep up the good work, Shannon. We’re proud of you!

  • Hi Shannon, it sounds like you’re really dealing with a difficult situation. Your mind was in the habit of always saying yes to these “comfort foods” and now it is saying no. That is very stressful. Also your body may be lacking certain nutrients and thus the cravings. If you don’t mind taking the advice of an admitted Veggieholic, try substituting healthy choices like 100 % whole grain bread which takes longer for the body to break down the carbs, thus releasing sugar at a slower rate. This means you aren’t getting the highs and lows as much. Also fruits are great for snacking, and even though they may have a higher sugar content, the vitamins and enzymes are naturally good for the system. Snacking on carrot and celery sticks also gives you nutrition and something to hold in your hand. I can tell you from experience, I’ve never met anyone who gained too much weight eating carrots 🙂

    Well I’ve very proud of the choices you’ve making and will continue to follow and support what you’re doing. Enjoyed reading the post as always…

  • thanks for the comments guys 🙂 Helps me a lot. You guys are the best 🙂 I shall take the snacking tips under advisement. Though I’m not so good at snacking, maybe i should force myself to start

  • Good work Shannon! I truly hope that vaping does help, but if it doesn’t then I’m sure there’s something else you can try. Nonetheless, you’re doing great!

    • So far the vaping has helped a lot! I ordered different flavours too and so far so good. When I’ve felt the need for a sweet treat or just need something to help calm me down the vaping has helped a lot. Even with it being a zero it’s helped my nerves. I think it’s all in my head.. but whatever, if it works it works LOL

  • I can see that it is still a constant battle for you baby girl and I wish there was something I could do that would make it all better like when you were a baby. Just know that every success is adding to your life and the lives of everyone around you who is cheering for you with all their might. I am sooooo very proud of you for wanting to take control of your life and make it better, but then again I have always been proud you. Hang in there my daughter and it will eventually get easier, the beginning is always the hardest. I love you muchly

  • The snacking part gets easier if things are easy to grab and munch.. Once a week cut up whatever veggies you like to munch on and put them in a lock n lock in the fridge. I prepare a low cal dip as well and then it is easier to munch healthy instead of not healthy. Wish I could do this 100 % but it is hit and miss with me as well. Give it try shan, preparation once a week. Snacks divided into individual portions as apposed to the whole box or bag.

    • I like this 🙂 Now to friggin get organized :S LOL. Eventually I’ll have a whole system locked down and it’ll get easier. My brain knows this.. it’s just getting there that’s tough lol.

      Sending you oodles of Love my Mommy <3

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