Home Alone

Hi! Welcome to my first post in what seems like ages!  I’m home alone right now and taking full advantage by using this time to blog! Yes this probably makes me a geek but I don’t care. I embrace the nerdy side of me 😛

I’ve been overly stressed lately, and this is causing me to pull back from everyone. I just feel as though I’m stretched too thin right now, and need some time to re-coup and take a breather. Because of my anxiety issues I have been trying my best to ignore this feeling and forcing myself to be more social than I feel comfortable, but all i feel right now is drained and upset. I need down time to re-charge my batteries, and truth be told.. people exhaust me. I can’t seem to turn off the need to make everything good for everyone all the time, so being around people is just hell after a while. I give too much, and there is never enough left over for me at the end of the day. I’m trying really hard right now to stop that.

Tonight I had my first “oh no” moment in a while. I’m stressed, I’m upset, I’m probably PMS’ing lol and all I want to do right now is order pizza or make nachos or anything that will be bad. I want to binge more than I can explain.. it’s like this evil voice in my head telling me that I’ll be able to cope better, and won’t feel so overwhelmed if I just comfort myself with some yummy foods. I haven’t had a binge urge like this in a LONG time… since before I started this blog. I’ve walked into the kitchen half a dozen times tonight after practically forcing Mike out of the house for a coffee night with friends. I ran over a thousand reasons why it would be so good to simply let go and eat for once.. It’s been so long.. I’ve been so good.. One night of slipping all the way won’t kill me.

I’ve been glued to the couch whenever not pacing around the kitchen. I need to learn to say NO without the help of Mike being there, or anyone else being the voice of reason. I need to say no for ME and no one else.

So I’m sitting here… my stomach is trying to trick me into thinking i’m hungry.. I’d almost think these hunger pains were real, if it weren’t for the fact that I had tortellini for supper and that is filling. I wasn’t planning on having that, but it’s what we had.

Being that I AM trying.. i only put the size of a fist full of pasta in my bowl, and as little sauce as possible. I didn’t WANT to do this.. but I forced myself. I didn’t want to eat that either, no part of it satisfied my longing to fill myself up and make the pain go away… But i stopped after that one bowl.

I’ve resisted the urge so far, and I’m about to log off and crawl into bed where it’s comfy and the AC has it nice and cool so hopefully my knowledge that the house is hot compared to my bedroom will trick my brain into wanting to stay put. help me ignore these urges… Help me stay strong. All I know is that as of 9:20pm I’ve resisted. I haven’t given in… It sucks, and it’s almost making me feel worse.. but It’s for the best. I can’t afford to slip, not like that. A small slip here or there is normal.. but the way I feel…. i don’t think I’d stop. I’ve just been so upset the last few weeks, trying to keep my head above water while everyone wants a piece of me.  On top of all of this I am waiting to hear about my contract at work, because yes I’m a temp, and it’s the worst feeling in the world not knowing if you’ll have a paycheck a month from now. I never know, and it eats away at me.

I need a vacation, though I have no idea what I’d do on a vacation, nor do I know what a real vacation is like lol. I have never traveled for the purpose of taking a vacation.  Hell I’ve been a temp for so many years that my “vacations” usually consist of either unpaid time off while i scrounge around fighting with EI or looking for work, or if I have a job, they consist of me working overtime a week or two in advance or after in order to make up my time, and then making a long weekend.  Normally I only do this though when I have cake orders so I’m still working, or when I have home Reno work to do.. so again still working, or when a social reason comes up (i.e a wedding, or a birthday) in which case I’m surrounded by people having fun BUT it drains me so quickly that I go back to work exhausted.

I don’t remember what it feels like to have a boring week. Which is weird. I’m 27 and dreaming of being bored.

Sorry for the down and out post folks. I promise I’m not in this type of mood 24/7.. i just can’t seem to snap out of it tonight, and it’s causing me to crave all the things that are bad for me.

On the plus side, I haven’t caved in, I’m still going strong.. and soon enough I’ll be too sleepy to stay awake! in which case I’ll be asleep, and last time I checked I don’t eat while I sleep. WOOT!

Comments 2

  • I think it is important for you to say no to going out all the time, you need time to relax and no one can judge you for that. I often get overwhelmed by all the activities and so this summer and I am mostly working and then on my days off I do nothing or only one plan or two occasionally and that makes me not feel too drained by it. On the binge urge side, I think you are doing very well with not giving in and I am going to try to be more like you. I find when I get a emotional and I have been emotional for the past little while, I tend to use food to feel better and in doing so, I feel worse. So I will take some of your willpower and use it towards my struggle with food. Thanks for keeping strong. Now the saying no to people will come in time, just keep practicing. Okay, well keep up the great work. Love you.

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