So I’m down somewhere between 10 – 15 lbs right now (WOOT!!!!) which is Awesome right?! Well yes, obviously.. but it is also scary.
As I progress along my journey new issues arise, making me feel as though I am stumbling through life blindly never knowing what monster lies in wait for me around the next corner. I should be celebrating my success so far, however instead new fears crop up that I am not battling with.
With weightloss, comes access skin. It’s not a pretty thought, and it’s even less attractive in person. So far my belly is getting smaller (YES!!!) but it is also getting more umm…. Jiggly lol. I am young, and I know my skin will bounce back at least a bit. But the fear is still there, what the hell will I look like once it’s even smaller? Will I ever feel pretty again? Will it go back to smooth, or will it be my worst imaginings realized. Will i look like Fat Bastard after his weighloss? LOL Will I require surgery in order to have a normal looking belly again… and if so, how much will it cost me, and can’t I even afford it? Why can’t my brain just say Yep you’re doing good girl keep it up.. Instead I seem to always be living in a state of constant fear.
The next issue that has come up, is how will I deal with other guys. My weight has always been somewhat of a security blanket I suppose you could say. After the past I’ve had, I was living in fear of anyone finding me pretty again and not being able to accept that No means No. Back when I was younger, and was not carrying around all this extra crap, guys would look, and flirt, and double take, and cat call, and all those things that most girls find flattering. For me it’s terrifying. As long as I’m fat, I’m invisible and it feels nice. I can go shopping or out with friends without as much fear that someone will notice me, and try to make a pass. My fat is like a boy shield that keeps me safe from the outside world lol. Now that shield is slipping. I’m starting to feel prettier, I’m starting to see subtle changes in how I look… I’m starting to see me. Which means other people may see me too.
I am happily in love, with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He fell for me at my worst, he’s been there for me, when I couldn’t even be there for myself. He is a silly goose that makes me laugh even when I feel like there couldn’t be anything worth laughing about anymore. He’s held me while I’ve cried, and let’s me talk things out… and believe me I can talk for ages LOL. So please don’t read this and think I’m writing a post about flirting or something. This post is purely about my fear of being noticeable to men again. I want to remain unseen. I want to stay behind my invisiblility curtain where they can’t see me, can’t touch me, can’t hurt me. But with that said, I can’t hide forever. I can’t let this fear criple the progress I’ve made.
My brain is silly. Oh well, more obsticals in my path.. Time to jump over them and find a way to move forward. Jiggly belly and all!