If you haven’t guessed by now… I am addicted to food. Not so badly that I gorge myself on food 24/7 until I’m puking… but put me into an emotional position, and it’s my source of comfort. You see, I don’t have any other vices… at all. I don’t drink, or smoke, and I certainly don’t do drugs.. I’m pretty straight edge with most things I guess you could say… Food has been my source of comfort for longer than I care to admit.
I’m on Day 3 of my 12 week shake diet, and here’s what I’ve found out:
- I am more addicted to food than I thought How else can I explain the fact that it is the only thing on my mind every minute of the day, since last Tuesday when I stopped eating? I am having to avoid the kitchen as much as possible to stay away from temptation, I go to sleep as soon as my love leaves for work at night to try to avoid sneaking food. (I haven’t so far WIN!!!!). While driving I have to grip the wheel with both hands and constantly repeat my mantras to help me drive past Tim Hortons and A&W and all the other yummy places I pass. My dreams have been filled with cheese curds and tacos and pizza… basically everything that is a source of comfort for me. Hell I had more control over my cravings when I was eating than I do now… it’s like the longer they go unsatisfied they stronger they get. Is that the same for quitting smoking?? I miss food, and it’s only been 3 days. I really hope that it get’s easier. Right now, it’s pretty tough. I have been working up the courage to hard boil eggs to make egg salad for my love’s lunches… I’m honestly too afraid to do it, I feel like I’d end up snagging a spoonful, and then I may not stop.
- I think I’ve been dehydrated most of my life– Cravings aside, I’ve never felt so good as I do now. Starting the day after I began drinking 3 liters of water a day, my body just felt…. better. I’m not sure how to explain it. I don’t get the intense hunger pains I used to (I’m not sure how much is from the shakes, and how much is the full belly of water.. but I love it. It used to be that if I went a few hours without eating.. my stomach would feel like it was trying to rip its way out of me using acid. I’d be in pain, the cravings would be torture, I’d be light-headed and dizzy and have a hard time with motor skills.. it’s one of the reasons I ended up so fat. I just couldn’t go very long without some form of food in me without feeling like I was about to die. But now? I haven’t had a bite to eat in 3 days, and I’ve never felt better. I’m going to attribute a lot of it to water, since the feeling good started the week before I began my shakes (which is the week I started drinking the water).
- I can’t tell if I’m strong… or weak.. and that annoys me.- As previously mentioned… I’m having a hard time battling my cravings right now, and an even harder time avoiding cheating. So far I’ve been a good girl, and I’m extremely proud of myself. I have never worked so hard at something in my life. If I caved in, even just a little.. I don’t think I could stop. The urge is too strong, the call of food too great. It makes me very afraid for when my shakes are over. Granted in this moment I appear strong ( I guess ) because I’ve managed to not cheat, even though it’s been pure hell. BUT seriously???? I can’t trust myself, and that’s scary. If I slip, even just a little, I’m afraid I’ll relapse HARD, and I can’t afford that. I’m learning in my courses to forgive myself, and that mistakes will happen… but I’m so scared. I can’t even describe to you how badly I want to run into that kitchen and just eat everything I see so that I can shut up the stupid voices in my head telling me that it’d taste awesome and feel great and make everything better. FUCK OFF BRAIN. I know I sound like a crazy person, and for that I’m sorry. *sigh*..
The typing in this blog is helping… a lot. It feels good to get the words out of my brain and give them a voice. I’m not going to promise I’ll never slip, but I will say this.. I’m going to fight like hell to make sure it doesn’t happen. And if for whatever reason it does, and I slip.. I’m going to fight even harder to get back to where i am right now.
The shakes are a gift (as they’ve said in course)… It allows me to stop thinking about food for a while, and focus on other things like getting fit… So far, the food part is all my brain wants to focus on, and it’s driving me batty…. but I have to say it’s nice to not HAVE to think about food. I have a shake when I wake up, another around 10:30, my third around 3:30 and then one before bed. The hardest choice I have to make, is chocolate or vanilla… and even that choice I’m taking way from myself come Tuesday. I’m loving the chocolate, so I will be using only chocolate shakes from now on. I should note that this Tues we’re picking up 4 boxes of shakes, 2 as a “back up” in case we have to miss a meeting due to illness or what have you, so I will pick up 1 box of vanilla and 3 of chocolate. My theory is, it will give me the option of vanilla if I ever get sick of chocolate, and if ever i want to try one of the fancy zero calorie recipes from my book that require a vanilla shake, I’ve got the goods on hand.
I realize this post is long and random and kind of all over the place… but it’s been helping me keep my fingers busy while I fight the urge to order cal zones (Fridays used to be my pizza night). I am so thankful right now for this blog, for all of my readers (who are basically all my family and friends), and for whatever self-restraint I’ve mustered together. Once I hit send, I’m on my way to bed. In the morning I get a chocolate shake and it will be effing delicious!
I know it’s calling for rain all weekend.. but I kind of hope it doesn’t, normally I love the rain, but I really have the urge to go for a walk on the bike path. I doubt I’d make it very far with my back and ankles right now, but it’s something I want to try. At the very least it would give me a sort of base point to work from, each walk I take 1 step further.. that type of thing. Hell I might not even make it to the end of my street yet… but I want to try.