I have been without a bite to eat for over 5 weeks now (Tuesday marks the end of my 6th week and the beginning of my 7th).
I miss food… like A LOT. God it’s so good and satisfying and warm and filling and just… ugh. I miss it. I think when I can eat again I will hug every meal before I put it into my belly.
OK maybe I won’t hug it… that would get messy with some meals.
But I really miss food. Don’t worry I’m not about to cheat.. in fact I’m about to march into the kitchen and make 135th shake (math is not my strong suit so if I’ve gotten that number wrong, don’t sue me.. lol) and I’m going to enjoy it. Thankfully I’m one of the lucky ones that truly enjoys the flavour of the shakes. This really does help make the program easier…
But OH… My… GOD I miss food. I miss chewing, and having a variety in flavours, I miss textures, I miss feeling full… I miss not having bad breath every moment of the day no matter how often I brush my teeth (bad ketosis. .bad!)
I find I start to feel this way over the weekend, not so much because of the fact that it’s the weekend, but because it’s been nearly a week since my last meeting. Those meetings really lend me strength to get through the week, and I guess as that week goes I start to lose a bit of my strength.
Have I mentioned that I’m a good cook.. I have all these wicked recipe ideas just bubbling about inside my brain noodle begging to be freed.. I’m missing BBQ season man.
I know I’m not a “foodie”… I’m not a fan of exotic foods, or things I can’t pronounce.. Heck I’m not even sure how to prepare most vegetables (Bok choy?? What the eff is that, and how do you cook it… or do you use it in a salad… and how am I supposed to know when a mango is ripe or nasty.. i mean I JUST learned how to tell if an avocado is prime or passed its prime.. but UGH there should be a guide)… hmmm actually I’m going to see if there’s an app to help while grocery shopping to know when fruits/veggies are good or passed their peak.
Sorry.. off topic.. kind of.
Anyway, I’m not an expert at all things food… but I do love cooking and I love the things that I cook and I miss it. I miss being able to go into the kitchen and not have to coach myself every step of the way to stay strong and not snack on any of the amazingly yummy things in my fridge or freezer…. and btw EVERYTHING looks amazing to me right now lol.
I know that I’m about half way done the shake part of our program and I should stop whining about the fact that I can’t eat.. I know it’s a good thing for me, that I signed up for this, and that I’m doing really well with my weight loss and should be proud.
But tell that to my stomach man.
Anyway, I was having a weak moment.. so I thought before I went into that kitchen to cook chicken for Mike and make my shake… I should probably blog it out. Better out of my head and broadcast to cyber space than bogging me down and draining my will.
I want you to know that I’m still going strong… and that I haven’t given up. I just wish this…. addiction? I have to food would go away already. I mean, it’s all I think about in my quiet moments now… What will my first meal be?, how will it taste? What out of my old faves won’t taste good to me anymore… Will I relapse to my old ways and binge again or will I be able to hold onto this new will power I’ve found and indulge in moderation.
And for the record.. if ever we go to a restaurant together…. don’t guilt me for my food choices. Yes I want to go to a buffet at some point in the distant future. That does NOT mean I want to go all the time, it also doesn’t mean that I will abolish all my progress in one meal…. it simply means that I want the food that is at this particular buffet and I plan on enjoying it… I also fully intend to work out harder that week to make up for the extra calories I may consume during that meal.. So in advance… don’t guilt or shame me over food choices. They are my choice to make, and sometimes I’m going to want to treat myself… the more I feel friends or family or anyone who is a support for me, is trying to control what I eat, the more I will push back towards my old ways… or the less time I will spend with friends.
I’m stubborn.. if you tell me NOT to do something, I’ll want to do it… and MAYBE i wasn’t going to go for that extra plate at the buffet… but just because you made a comment.. well I think I might just have 2. Is that a bad habit? Yes… but also, I’m an adult and I’m responsible for my own actions. Let me enjoy myself when I’m out, I am doing my very best to soak up the knowledge that I’m learning in class, and I know that 80% of the time I am going to be a very good girl and I am going to do all the things I am supposed to do in order to either lose or maintain (depending on where I am along this road)…. that doesn’t mean people have the right to shame me for enjoying the other 20%.
In case you were wondering… that’s also a current fear I have, that once I’m back eating… people will feel as though they have the right to second guess every morsel I put into my mouth.. that it’s their duty to tell me whenever I am eating something they don’t agree with… I am already nervous eating in front of most people most of the time (at least i was before I stopped eating lol) because I’ve had people pull me aside before… and I know it was out of a place of love… but really, do you think it felt nice to hear you tell me if I had that extra helping I’d regret it… Or… are you SURE you want to eat that?… Hell yes I’m SURE.. I know I’ve made mistakes in the past… but I HAVE learned from them… but god dammit I love food and when I eat food I want to ENJOY it.. I want to savour the flavours on my tongue and that is very hard to do when people are judging me for wanting that extra piece of bread or that second helping of pastry… did you not notice that I knew I would do that, so I skipped the alcohol, I had smaller portions of everything else and maybe just maybe I also planned on working off the extra calories… sometimes food is REALLY tasty.. and it might be a birthday, or Christmas, or hell it might just be the first time you’ve been at that restaurant in AGES and you REALLY love their bread or their pizza or whatever the heck it is…. Sometimes, it’s OK to indulge.. I’m not stupid. I know what I’m doing.. and I’m learning how to do things better when I get back onto food. I’m gaining new skills, and I have so much more knowledge already and we haven’t even delved into the cooking part we’re still just working on the science behind nutrition etc.
So please… don’t hate me for loving food.. and don’t guilt me for eating it in front of you. I am going to eat food again one of these days.. It’s going to happen, and when I am back on food, I intend to ENJOY the experience. And please know that does NOT mean I plan on binging… two completely different things, and I have come a long way from where I was. The person you see how, isn’t the person who would eat a whole pizza by herself in her room while eating a whole bag of cookies, while drinking 2L of ginger ale and a container of apple turn overs in one night because life sucked and I didn’t want to be another loser turning to drugs or alcohol to escape my problems… not realizing I was doing exactly that but with food… I Am Not That Girl Anymore! So YES I’m still going to eat Pizza… and I’m still going to eat nachos.. and I’m still going to LOVE THEM.. They taste freaking good man.
But I also love salad, and chicken, and fish, and OMG vegetables are to DIE for! One meal does not my whole life make… so in conclusion, if ever we eat together in the future… Just enjoy the experience with me… and if you are worried about both of us gaining weight after the meal, let’s go for a walk and talk rather than the usual coffee sit down.
And that is the end of my rant I didn’t even know I needed to write until the words were pouring out of me.
I guess I was more worried about it than I realized.
I’m off to make my shake, and cook some yummy chicken for Mike’s chicken salad sandwiches later. Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend and enjoying the heck out of their supper tonight because you know what? If it doesn’t taste good… Why are you eating it?