Anixety is a bitch. I think it is my biggest road block. But in the words of my good friend Drew, I just got to keep on keepin on ;).
Some days all I want to do is stay in bed and forget the world. I wish I could curl up and forget all the sadness and hurt and pain and just be nothing for awhile. Like perhaps if I lay still, the world will just pass me by and leave me alone. Some days I can’t turn my brain off, and I re-live the pain of past mistakes over and over until I’m practically screaming uncontrollably not sure how to move forward. (For the record the screaming is internal.. I don’t think I’ve ever just sat in bed screaming before.. Though it wouldn’t surprise me lol).
I’m not perfect… Far from it. I’ve made dozens of mistakes in my life. I continue to try my best, it’s all I can do. But it doesn’t change the fact that mistakes have happened. I am where I am today, because of my descisions. I guess that’s part of what makes life so hard. I am not oblivious to my own stupidity. Whoever coined the phrase Ignorance is Bliss, was really onto something lol. I see why certain people chose to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs.. It would be easier than living like I do. I think that is why I don’t drink, or do drugs etc. For me it wouldn’t be social, it would be a way to numb the pain. Because of that I have a hard time understanding people who drink for fun. I don’t enjoy the feeling of being tipsy, or loosing control. I have more fun sober.. so for me I just don’t get it. And I know that I’ve alienated people by sharing my views. I don’t mean to push people away.. it’s just something I seem to be good at I guess?
The point is, I know I have an addictive personality, and I know that drugs or alcohol would simply be a self-medicated version of myself, ignoring the issues and pretending to be happy. So I don’t do it.
Right now I’m working on getting better. Being healthy, and finding happiness. I really think I’m making progress y’all! I have been actively forcing myself to overcome the nervousness and shyness and anxiety and see my friends again. I feel more a part of the action now, rather than trying to be as still and quiet as I can to avoid attention. I’m less afraid to talk I think. Of course sometimes I make a silly goose of myself, like when I said Mike should go to Comicon as Morgan Freeman instead of Gordan Freeman LOL.. but that’s just an Awesome mistake that resulted in laughter 🙂
I used to feel as though I lived inside a glass box. I could be in the middle of a crowded room full of happy faces and joyful moments, but feel as though I was simply an observer. I would laugh and smile, but never feel as though I was actually a part of the action. My brain would scream that they were only being nice to me out of sheer politeness, that no one actually wanted me there. I’d be alone, always alone. Surrounded by friends, but feeling like I was an outsider. Not their fault, I know it was purely in my head.. but it’s how I felt. That is what I’m working on overcoming. The last few times I’ve gone out, I feel more like I’m in a glass box with breathing holes now lol. I’m still anxious, and nervous, and terrified of saying the wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing, and loosing more friends. I feel like I can’t ever do or say the write thing.. but the last few times I felt more at ease, I felt more myself, like fresh air was being pumped into my little box. I felt as though for the first time in awhile, I was slowly letting down the walls around myself. And it felt GREAT! Now hopefully I can keep it up, and continue to rip down the barriers I’ve built up.
These posts I write, are never easy. But they are pure and honest truth. I vow to keep trying. I promise to do my best.
Thanks for reading <3