Ahoy-hoy welcome to my 12AM blog session lol.
This may not be overly long as I am beyond exhausted, however I wanted to write while all these emotions were still fresh in my brain.
Tonight I hosted a fantasia party, this was the first time I have ever hosted a party at my place, and to tell you the truth I was shitting bricks (pardon my french). I spent the day re-arranging furniture and cleaning what I had time to, as well as decorating cup cakes and finding some time to squeeze in a shower. All in all, my upstairs looks awesome, my bedroom looks as though a tornado has run rampant, my muscles are aching, and I couldn’t be happier!
For reals, it was an amazing night with some really amazing ladies! And somehow I was able to manage my stress levels so that I didn’t panic too much, nor did I freak out at any point. Yes I was nervous (hence the brick shitting), and with almost everyone cancelling or no show/no calling me I was getting especially nervous that no one would be there at all. How awkward would that be.. Just me, the consultant and my mom looking at dildos? LOL Sufficed to say I had a few moments of panic where I was sure no one would be there. But low and behold My list of 30 invites was whittled down to 5 amazing ladies who really made the night truly magical. Sometimes less is more, and while I was disappointed not to see ALL my fave girls tonight, I know they had to cancel for important reasons and I hold no ill will. Sometimes my timing really sucks LOL C’est la vie. Those who were able to come, came and we had a blast. I am truly grateful to have such amazing people in my life.
Tomorrow is the big challenge. I will be going to Blues fest, by.my.self…. Solo… Alone.. (well until my love is able to show up that is..) The show starts at 4:30, I have no idea what time he will be there, for all I know the traffic may suck and I’ll be at the show alone the whole time.
Bit by bit my panic is rising. Especially since I already know after I submit this blog post, I will have to go into my bedroom and clean at least a little bit until things are off of my bed and I have room again. Then tomorrow comes to process of moving things around again so that I am able to have a full living room and functioning bedroom, and somewhere in there I will be getting ready to go to blues fest. I am honestly trying not to think about it too much (other than to write this post about it that is). Worst case I will stand off to the side or in the back and simply enjoy the show from afar… though I always do prefer being up close when at a concert for a band I love.. so who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll be in a Who gives a fuck type of mood and mosey on up front row center, plant my feet in the ground and not give a hoot who is around, or the fact that I look a bit insane standing front row center at a concert completely by myself. I know already I will look weird being solo, some may think I’m a loser.. especially because of my weight. Some may wonder if I’m mentally ill perhaps lol. Who knows. I’ll just have to find a way to grin and bear it because I truly love the band I am going to see (Walk off the Earth) and once they are on stage I know the rest of the world will fade away… I just hope my love is able to show up fairly quickly so that I will not be alone too long. I have been getting better with my anxiety this is true, and I have been working at it daily to try and push past my comfort zone in an attempt to create a larger buffer between panic and confidence.. but these new found skills only go so far.. and my love is my rock. He keeps me grounded and makes me feel safe. Next to him I feel loved and warm and beautiful… Let’s see if I’m able to hang on to those feelings when I’m standing alone in a crowd.. a crowd of probably drunk people.. a crowd of guys who don’t know me, or my story, who have never heard of Morbidly Oh… and who may be the biggest jack-arses life has to offer. I may have to face them alone, and who knows with my luck they may try to rob me or rape me. With my history you never do know… But I really don’t want to think the worst, and I really want to see the best in people. So tomorrow I am going to hold my head up high, wear clothes that I feel comfy in and still somewhat pretty, and if someone talks to me….. Well I am going to smile, and I will talk to them, and I will do my very best not to assume the worst. It is only when we try that we may succeed right? And who knows, they may be super awesome people! And maybe they’ll be nice and fun and waiting to see the band too and then perhaps I will have a buddy to chat with while waiting for my love. Perhaps it won’t be so bad after all!
And with that parting glass half full mentality, I’m going to crawl into bed (After I’ve cleaned it off that is) and have sweet dreams. Tomorrow will be a good day <3
Thank you all for being the awesome people that you are!