Long Time Coming

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror.. and have no idea who the hell is staring back at me. I mean that person has the same eyes, and same hair… but it’s not ME.. it can’t be ME. I’m not that fat, nor am I that pale, or round, or grotesque.. Sometimes I feel as though mirrors should be banned.

I have no idea how to get out of this hole. Every day I curse the alarm for going off, for not letting me just sleep the day away… even though I barely sleep as it is. Even on the weekend I’m up by 8am at the latest, and that’s even if I stay up until 2AM. If I sleep passed 8, then I’m either sick, or I guess my body finally caved and said “Alright let’s give you a few more hours of bliss”.

My house is falling apart… I see it, I understand the things I have to do to fix it… but I don’t do a thing. I feel like the house will swallow me whole if I try. I feel like the world will swallow me whole if I go outside. I feel like the mirror will one day win and I’ll come to terms with being a Fat person, instead of feeling this drive to try to get back to my old weight.  I have to lose an entire person in order to find myself again. How the hell does someone lose an entire person worth of weight. In order to be “healthy” I have to lose 165lbs…. maybe more. My doctor says this will never happen until I fix myself mentally. Well no shit sherlock! But how am I supposed to do that with no benefits, and no money.. It’s not like I can go talk to a shrink for free… and it’s also not like I have the balls to try. Silly doctor.. He tell’s someone who is depressed to just go to this clinic and fight for them to give me free service… Like that will happen. I have an anxiety problem… I don’t like talking to people… HELLO!?!? What part of this did he think meant I would just waltz into a therapists office and be like “Hey, what’s up? Shrink my brain noodle for free man. YOLO”

OK Maybe I wouldn’t phrase it quite like that…  But yeah..

I need to focus on something, the big picture is too scary.. too big. I don’t fit into this world. I don’t fit anywhere. I need to find one small thing I can do to help me get started.. but what the fuck is that?  Maybe I should start blogging on a regular basis again. It did help before. I only stopped because my work has blocked my Blog site for some reason.. and I don’t often have time after work to blog (By that I mean I used to blog on my lunch hour for anyone thinking I was naughty).

OK You heard it here first.. I’m going to commit myself to blogging at least once a week. That’s all I can do for now. Some weeks I may post more… some I may only do one post. But I am going to focus on posting my random assed thoughts at least once a week. With any luck it will kick-start me again.

Now someone tell Mother Nature to get off her period and bring me SPRING. Winter has got to go, cause I want to go for walks.. and seriously I need good weather to do that! At least until it’s a routine and I am not as depressed and am actually looking forward to walking. Right now all I see is pain, and more pain, and asthma, and dizziness, and then more pain…….. So add winter weather / Ice / cold to that and I stay inside. Yes it’s an excuse.. and right now I don’t give a shit. I am not ready to brave the cold to do something I don’t want to do when I can barely get out of bed to drag my ass to work and face another day of stress and anxiety.

So G’night my friendos

May tomorrow be a better day.

Comments 5

  • When I need to lose a person it usually involves a shovel and a tub of quicklime, but I digress. Based on what you’ve written here I think one of the major obstacles you need to overcome is the feeling of powerlessness that has led to your inertia. I’m hearing that you don’t feel like you can control your life or the outcomes of your actions, and that a massive effort will be required to effect a small change. This makes everything seem overwhelming. So I have a suggestion: start small. Grow a plant. Take up knitting. Make a collage. But do something that has a tangible outcome. Something you can look at afterwards, be proud of, and say “I did that, and the world is a better place for it.” Show yourself that you can do something, make something, change something, that your actions do matter and your choices affect your outcomes. Then keep doing it, and build yourself up ever bigger projects until you can look at the big things and think “you know what, I can do this.”

    This suggestion is by no means a substitute for qualified mental health services, many of which are covered under OHIP. Please visit http://www.ontario.cmha.ca/ for information on what help is available and where to find it.

  • Dear Shannon: I can help you with growing a plant – I have lots of seeds to share. As for knitting I am a basic knitter but I can teach you what I know. It’s not much but it can lead you on to bigger, more creative projects. I have lots of extra wool. I like what Anony- Mous said; You can beat this but you have to ‘slim” down your goals, girl. Looking at the Big Picture is not working for you. Start off with much smaller goals. A pound at a time. \it will seem like you have less of a battle. It will be a start… to a better life. You do need a gratitude journal as there are lots to be grateful for in your life. You are to be admired for getting up every day, going to work when it is not that pleasant and just plugging through. That is gutsy, girl and you are doing it.
    So take care ! We love you.

  • I know I`ve said it before and I am not the best person to give you weight loss advise; however, every journey begins with just one step. Just keep putting one provervial foot in front of the other. Sometimes you may take a step or too back and that is ok. Sometimes we need to reflect or go back and take a look at the flower we just walked by, it`s okay to go back, just don`t let it drag you all the way back to the beginning of your journey. Like I said before you must start out small and build up your stamina and eventually you won`t even think about ankle braces anymore. Don`t make weight loss the ultimate goal, try making getting healthier your first goal. This means eating healthy and doing healthy activities, remember just a little at first and then add on each day. We are all right there beside you Shan and you are and inspiration to us all, keep going my beautiful daughter.

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