I might be sort of married-ish?

OK… for those who know me in real life, this past weekend my love and I had a very early pre-wedding run through / engagement party / engagement photo shoot… Not everyone will understand the WHY behind what we did, or why we chose to do things the way we did… and not all of the reasons are meant to be public knowledge.. I will however tell you that one of the bigger reasons was to help my anxiety. You see, prior to last Saturday, our parents had never met, our different friend groups hadn’t really met, and the thought of everyone meeting and all the possible outcomes that could result was causing me so much stress and panic I wanted to call the whole thing off (Which if you know me, says a lot considering I had been eagerly waiting for my man to pop the question for years…. 7 to be exact LOL). I was afraid that the people we love most in this world might hate each other, and the thought of all of that coming to head on what should be a couple’s happiest day, made me sick to my stomach. In fact the Friday before the mock-wedding, I became so anxious at work a number of times I came close to passing out, my heart was racing, breathing coming quick, I just wanted to escape and hide dreading what was to come the next day.

In retrospect I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that everything would be OK… that the people we love most in this world would love us enough to celebrate and enjoy the day, if any issues arose, they would love us enough to hold their tongues for the day, or at the very least would keep the drama from reaching our ears until at least the day after :P… I should have had more faith in my loved ones, and for that I am sorry and want to apologize to everyone who came, that I didn’t have that faith beforehand. It wasn’t a conscious choice, believe me on that, my fear of the “What If” simply overrode my better judgement and in the end I feel like I didn’t give you guys enough credit. You guys rock!

In keeping with my blog’s goal to be transparent and honest… I am struggling with some of the photos that were taken. šŸ™

NOT because I don’t love them, I do.. the love and happiness I felt in the moment shines through in each shot… but my body issues and self loathing keep creeping in and pointing out all the flaws. Funny how many flaws you can see when you look at something in a negative light. I’m trying so hard to love myself, to love my curves, to love the body I have and work on getting healthy and enjoying life rather than focusing on a number or what society says I should look like… I’m just not there yet, and as a result it is tainting what I think are actually amazingly epic pictures.

Take this photo for example:

_DSC6368When I look at the photo above… one of the first things I see are my cankles… next I see how hideously large my calves are… then I see what appears to be another leg growing out of my shoulder (i.e my super mega fat arms)… next my double chin… and I KNOW that the bottom half of me is poofy because that’s how the dress goes and I have a petticoat underneath to make it poofy… and in the mirror I LOVED it… yet now when I look at the photo I feel like I look like my ass sticks out from here to the moon and my hips might be just as wide… Screw you brain for taking a dress I love and making me dissect it until I see nothing but fat.

When I force myself… and I mean REALLY concentrate and work on looking past all those things I mentioned… I see (Mostly I remember), how happy I was, how my heart was bursting with joy and love for that man beside me, I see a beautiful location that was just secluded enough that I never once had a panic attack over strangers seeing me outside in public.. I see a bouquet lovingly made by my amazing Mommy, and the man I will be married to wearing the tuxedo tshirt I begged him to wear, mainly because it made me smile. I see love, and happiness, and I wish like hell that I could see all of that without having to work so hard.

Tomorrow I have my first session with a therapist. It’s a huge step for me, and one I am nervous as hell to take… It means not only meeting with a complete stranger, but showing her a part of myself I usually keep hidden… it means getting help, which in a weird way is scary as shit.. getting help means I have a problem… it also means I might change… what if I don’t like who I become? What if you don’t like who I become?

I really hate what if’s…

Anyway, the night before my first session and I’m feeling a mixture of anxiety, dread, excitement, and depression… it’s a weird combo, and one that has me basically glued to my couch unable / unwilling to do much of anything right now. I have 1 hr and 45 mins before I go wake Mike up for work…. I want to clean… I want to tidy up the living room.. It sounds so simple? But even just typing that caused my panic to flare.. Why? No clue.. but it did.. which means, while I’m going to try and get up and tidy… chances are I will still be sitting here on this couch when it’s time to get Mike ready for work..

Fingers toes and eyeballs crossed this therapist is up for the challenge that will be my messed up brain :S I’m willing to do the work.. but I have no idea where to start.


Comments 2

  • First, I would like to thank you for sharing this. I have suffered with anxiety since I was 12 years old. I manage it (somewhat) now with medication and therapy but the “What Ifs” are such a frightening thing to fight. I’ve suffered with self-esteem issues since as far back as I can remember so I feel for you on that one as well. We could look absolutely stunning but our minds won’t let us believe it.
    Secondly, I want to commemorate you on your bravery. I wish I could give you a high five because I know that it isn’t easy putting yourself out there for others to look at/read about when suffering with anxiety. Thank you for showing me that there is still faith in humanity; if we don’t make people aware of our struggles, how will anyone ever understand, right?
    And finally, I just want to say that you are BEAUTIFUL!

    • Hug tackles!!!!!!!! Anxiety sucks balls. About to post another blog in a second haha.. Thank you for your comment, it made my morning and helped me calm down mid panic attack. YAY for good things!!!!

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