I am my own worst enemy. Even with all this progress I still have that voice in my head telling me to just give up, to let go.. that I can’t do it. Why bother trying if in the end I’ll still be the same fat blob of crap I am today.
I am at war with myself. Every day a battle between who will win. Every baby step forward a victory, every step backwards seems to make that annoying voice stronger.
Lately I’ve been feelings down. For no reason in particular.. just, down. Not quite myself. I am honestly trying to stay upbeat about it all and bounce out of this funk. I’m just not sure how. I am able to keep it at bay while I’m around people.. but in my most private moments I feel like this heavy weight is crushing my heart. I’m just sad.
Don’t get me wrong, the logical me knows that I have nothing to be sad about. My friends are amazing, my family loves me.. and most importantly my best friend and the love of my life is a beacon of warmth against the constant darkness I feel seeping into my pores.
I have a good life.. Maybe I didn’t always have a good life.. but as it stands right now life is pretty awesome. If only I could convince the sad part of my brain to shut the eff up and enjoy it.
I think part of the problem is I’m having trouble getting motivated to push myself harder. Sure when the weather is nice I’m outside doing yard work.. but the weather isn’t nice right now (hello SNOW yesterday.. Ugh) and the determination I felt at the beginning of this journey is starting to ebb. I’m fighting to hold onto it, but I feel myself slipping. I feel myself trying to justify stupid things and then hating myself afterwards for not being strong enough to say No. I feel like I’m slipping. and I’m terrified. I don’t want to gain another pound… I don’t want to hate myself anymore… I don’t want to cry when I’m alone simply because I feel like I’ll never get there, and what if good enough just isn’t good enough. What if I go through all this effort and still walk out of this a fat blob of crap, with poor health. What if, what if…… what if?
I suppose I’m writing this post, in an effort to get my feelings out. It has helped me before to bare my soul. Perhaps this is what I need in order to take one more step forward. This is me, standing before you, raw, and filled with hope that I can be something More…. something better. That I can finally reach my goal. This is me, nothing more, nothing less… just me. I am not perfect, but I’m doing my best.
I vow that tonight I will not eat the insanely delicious double baked poutine… I vow that I will go grocery shopping after work and plan healthy meals for the remainder of this week. I vow that I won’t give up. I’m going to take this negative voice in my head, and I’m going to prove it wrong. <3