New Beginnings… I am fat

Hello, My name is Fawker.. and I am Fat… I’m not just sorta fat.. I’m Morbidly Obese. This is my story.

I’ve always been a bit of a larger girl, though looking back to my old self.. my highschool self. I was one hot tamale. I maintained between 135 and 165 most of my life. That is until I got sick. By sick I mean depressed. Severely depressed. That is what happenes after all, when you grow up with an absuive father, have an ex who stalks you and breaks into your house only to push you down the stairs, next boyfriend is also abusive, then a male friend decides it’s OK to date rape you, and when you finally think you’ve worked through all those “super fun” issues… you find a man you love.. Only to find out he’s been cheating on you with everything that walks by.

Sufficed to say, my life hasn’t been easy. And after years of trying to fight it.. I became extreamly depressed. I tried to kill myself as a child. Not everyone knows this. Luckily I was a child, and so didn’t know HOW to do this. I swallowed a bunch of tylenol and hoped I’d never wake up again.. that I could escape the constant pain that my life had become.. I think I was 10. I hid the depression for years, never happy with myself, or my life. This reflected in the number of abusive friendships and relationships I ended up having, somehow managed to maintain my weight around 165.. that is until the final straw. His name is omitted but we’ll call him Mr…. So Mr and I dated for 2 years, this whole time he was abusive in his own way though I’d grown up with abuse so I didn’t really see it.. To me being sad and being hurt by those you loved was normal. So I stayed. When I found out that he’d been cheating on me with 6 women (that I found out about), that was the proverbial final straw.. I broke. To a certain extent I am still broken.  What happened next was my blood chemistry went all out of whack as my depression sank deeper and deeper and claimed more of my life. At this point I pushed away any remaining friends I had, ignored the real world.. and began to binge. The binging plus my whacked out blood chemistry, and no one around to stop me.. resulted in gaining over 100 lbs in about 6 months. From there I have been consistanly been gaining for years. Stress, and sadness trigger my need to binge, and so I gain.. and being bigger makes me sad, which leads to binging and so on and so forth. It’s a horrible cycle I know many people other than myself are trapped in.

Luckily I met an amazing man, who’s not abusive, and who has stuck by me through thick and thin. We had our ups and downs in the beginning of our relationship, both of us having our own baggage and issues to work through. But miraculously, and with the help and support of our friends, we made it through. Now, I sit here in front of my PC, fully in love, and finally ready to change. I have been with My Love for 4 years now, and know that I will spend the rest of my life with him. He truly is “The One”, he get’s me in a way no one else has ever been able to, and our personalities are just a wonderful match. Because of his strength, and the strenght of my family.. I am finally ready to make this change.

I finally think that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to feel pretty.. and that it’s about time I take care of myself!. The old Me… was a binge eater, bulimic is another word my doctor used to describe me… Though he did say I was only borderline because I’m phobic of throwing up.. SO never mastered the “purge” part.

In the last few years, my weight has gotten out of control, mainly because the bigger I got, the harder life got. I have a hard time doing everyday tasks. My ankles give out on me on a regular basis, so stairs are a frighting thought for me. Also my new larger size has lead to a cripplilng case of Social Anxiety. I do love my friends, they are wonderful people… but I have panic attacks at the thought of a coffee visit. My brain won’t shut up.. I know they are my friends and they care for me.. so why be so worried? But the sick part of my brain is terrified. Every time I am around people I think they are judging me, secretly laughing at how horrible I look.. if I eat something, are they thinking “look at that girl.. she shouldn’t be eating” so on and so forth. I truly do not wish this on anyone. I can not walk out of my house without cringing at the thought that a neighbor might see me. I can not sit at work without being as still and quiet as possible so that my co-workers may forget I exsist. My life has become about hiding myself away, and I have abandoned so many things that I once loved doing.

That is all about to change! I need to change. So far the steps I have taken, are to talk to my Doctor.. who in turn perscribed me with medication to help with my anxiety and depression. I also have picked up a new cook book called: The ultimate low-calorie cookbook.. and everything looks SO yummy! :). I’ve cut down on portion sizes.. and whenever I am not sure I talk to someone. When I feel myself slipping and needing to binge due to stress or sadness, I talk.. and i write.. and I try my best to get through it. Happy to announce last week I was stressed and instead of having nachos (which is my usual binge food) I had peach yoghurt. I also talked until I felt strong enough to say no to my urge to binge.

I’m not perfect, I’m not pretty, and I’m not thin…. But I do believe I’ve finally started on the right path to get myself healthy, happy, and feeling pretty again.

Comments 3

  • What an incredibly brave post Shannon! As I said on Twitter, I will help support you in any way I can.

    I had no idea you felt the way you did, and I can honestly say that I’ve never thought that way about you!

    I really hope everything goes as planned! If there’s anything Jenn and I can help with, let us know!

  • Thanks Drew, I’ve been debating on writing it for awhile, but I know from my past that the more open I am about my stuggle, the easier it is for me to face. It means a lot to have friends like you and Jenn there to support me 🙂 So far I’m down 5lbs! Hoping it’s the beginning of a great thing <3

  • You always have been an amazing person shannon and it doesn’t seem to matter when it comes from family, we never truly believe it. I have always been proud of you and I always will be, those who let you slip away from them didn’t deserve in the first place. Friendship means you are THERE regardless of how the person seems to be, are there to hold there head above water when they feel like they are drowing. I love you

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