On the other side

It’s been a few weeks now since I had my last group session at the Ottawa Weight management clinic. The reasons I haven’t blogged in all of this time, is that I wanted to take some time to reflect, really let it sink in, simmer around, percolate so to speak. My time with them has come to an end… sort of… What does that mean for me now?

I can tell you with a great amount of certainty that right now, this very second.. things are looking mighty fine on this side of things. As much as I LOVED my group session, and all the people in my group… It helped more while I was on shakes, than once I was back on food. Once I was back on food, I found going to weekly meetings hard, especially since a lot of the classes felt like re-caps of things we had already covered, or things that didn’t apply to me so much as they might to others. For this reason, and a few badly timed health issues, I missed a few of the end classes.

Here is the downside to being on this side of the fence… Food is great. Sure that doesn’t SEEM like a downside… but when you’ve deprived yourself of food for so long, and when there are so many things you missed… when you first start eating again, it is VERY hard not to just binge on everything in sight… at least for me it has been.

Being on shakes was easy.. OK not all the time, and especially not in the beginning… but once I got into the groove, it was easy. I loved not thinking about what I was going to eat, or what I had to prep for the next day, or worrying about what happens when I inevitably forget my lunch at home because at the moment I only work 2 days a week and dang it it’s not a routine for me to pack a lunch for myself anymore. I miss shakes. I want to hold them close to me and would go back on them in a heart beat.

I have gained about 10 lbs since being off shakes…. all 10 of those lbs happened over my bday weekend. Now a number of things have contributed to this fact, and I own up to all of it. I stupidly started my birth control near when my cycle was supposed to start (not that I realized this at the point… but when my time of month happened a week into my new pack of pills, I realized my error)… I basically spent ALL of October in a state of PMS (Yay?), and quasi-having my period.. I’m talking mega bloating, insane cramps, hormones out the wazoo.. spotting, than a few days of nothing, then a random heavy day.. then back to nothing… then spotting… then HEAVY… and back to nothing… a normal person would have stopped the b-control and maybe waited until thing regulated again…. but I am not normal, and I am very stubborn… also fairly stupid when I look back on it. Out of pure stubbornness I kept taking my pills, even as I felt the water retain, the hormones scream, the food cravings spike.. I…would…win… Also, it was my birthday weekend, and not all my friends could settle on one date to celebrate… so I had, multiple, birthdays… all with treats, all with good eats, none of it good for my waistline… but I told myself, ” Hey, you only turn 30 once.. this is a milestone… live it up!”

10 lbs in almost a weekend, thankfully things have stabilized since… and I am maintaining now.  But I haven’t lost a single lb since I stopped with group. Don’t take this to mean I think I need group to lose, I don’t. I know that the weight WILL come back off if I keep up with my routine, and work my butt off at the gym.. I have all the tools to lose the weight.. it’s just, with me, if I’m not on the shake diet…. my body is VERY reluctant to lose anything, so it will take it’s sweet ass time leaving.

As much as it SUCKS.. I think I can live with it if you can. I have still lost 55 lbs from where I first began, and I am not settling here, not by a long shot… but I’m also refusing to look at this as a failure on my part, or let it bring me down. So I gained 10 lbs…. big woop.. I lost 55, it WAS 65… but with the gain I’m at 55… that is still A CRAP LOAD OF FAT THAT IS GONE… also, like I said before, I’ll kick those 10 lbs to the curb, and keep on going.

I realize some changes I need to make in my life right now, and have started to work on a few different plans to help me stick to my goals… I’m still working on this, so blog posts will follow as I figure my shizz out. I am not the fastest at making life altering choices… hell I’m not good at making ANY type of choice at all, but I am working on it. I have journal posts, and to do lists coming out my wazoo. The Ottawa Weight management clinic has taught me well, and if there is one thing I can take away from it, it’s that I need to keep being gentle with myself. I am important, and I need to love myself enough to forgive lapses, and take steps to ensure they don’t become relapses.

I’m an ever-evolving work in progress. One day, I will break into One-derland… One day, I will have to go shopping for clothes AGAIN because the ones I just bought will be billowy on me… One day my ankles will be able to keep up with the new level of energy I have… And until that day comes, I will just have to keep working every day at making better choices, at forgiving myself when I make a mistake, and at moving forward.

I have an appointment for Dec 5th with my weight management doctor, and will be asking if/when I am eligible for a second round of shakes. Depending on what she says at that point, I may be going back onto shakes for another 12 weeks.. we shall see.  It all depends on what she says, but if she gives me the go-ahead… I would do it without hesitation

Thanks for reading, and chat soon <3

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