Over the hump… but not through the woods.

Tuesday, was officially the start of week 6 on my 12 week shake diet… Tomorrow is Friday. I think it’s safe to say I’m now officially over the hump and the end is in sight… sort of.

I have to say, I was honestly hoping that by now I’d have gotten to a point where I didn’t mind being on a shake diet. I thought that by the half way mark I would be used to drinking my meals and though I’d love the smell of food, I’d be used to not eating it. I didn’t think I’d still be missing it quite this much.

The past 6 weeks have taught me a great deal about myself, and I’ve found a deep well of inner strength that previously I was unaware of. I’ve made it this far without eating… Other than the odd accidental dip of the finger into gravy to check the temp and pop it into my mouth before thinking (habit).. or a mint here or there (1 mint is 1.5 calories.. and in the past 6 weeks I’ve had 2 mints). I’ve done my best, and I’m honestly proud of what I have accomplished.

The tally so far is a whopping 29 lbs gone, and by next Tues I hope to officially break the 30 lb marker! I’ve avoided the scale so far in an effort to keep the result next Tues a surprise even from myself LOL.

When I started this,  I thought I wouldn’t feel any differently until I’d lost A LOT of weight.. and in my mind, a lot was about 40-50 lbs… anything less and I didn’t think it would make a huge impact on my life.. I mean I remembered being 323 before, I didn’t think it felt much different from 355…. Well I was wrong.

The doctors have explained that a large part of that could be that my body built more muscle to carry me at my heaviest, so it doesn’t feel the same as it used to.. meaning 323 for me now, actually IS different from the 323 I was before because of my muscle mass and overall health. I feel like a different person already, and I’m giddy at the thought of how I might feel after another 30 lbs is gone.

Already my clothes fit a bit better… I mean I don’t notice anything is baggy… but things are looser, less clingy, and I’m really enjoying that.

30 lbs isn’t a miracle though. If you think all you need is to drop a few lbs and you’ll love yourself well let me just tell you right now that is WRONG.

Intellectually I see the changes in the mirror and I know I’m better looking than I was. My confidence level has increased dramatically and my anxiety has dropped some degree.

That doesn’t mean I love myself yet…. I’m on my way, but I’m not there yet. I still see the flaws first, I still hate my naked body and I still feel sorry for My love that he has to see it even by accident LOL. I’m not hoping to be stick thin… don’t get me wrong.. I love my curves… I just wish they were SMALLER curves. Mainly it’s my stomach that scares the ever-living SHIT right out of me.

I have what is called a pendulous stomach. This means, there is an overhang… Nope it’s not because my pants or undies are too tight and it’s sticking out over the edge of something… it’s just how it is right now, like my skin wasn’t strong enough to hold it up anymore so it just kinda is there… As I lose the weight, the skin get’s looser… and while in clothes that’s a great feeling… in skin…… not so much.

The thought that I could do all this work, and in the end look better fat than I do at my skinniest terrifies me. I’d rather have a smooth bigger belly, then look like I have a vagina growing out of my belly button or something.

I shouldn’t be so vein… and I’m trying to work on it… but how the hell do you make peace with the fact that you’ve fucked up your body so much that the skin may not shrink back to anything remotely pretty… Hell if I’d gotten this way because of a pregnancy at least I could say there was a reason, a purpose.. I grew life in there… a little loose skin is nothing.

But I didn’t have a baby…. I had food.. I had depression and a shitty life and a lot of bad decisions, and now I may have the wear the scars of those mistakes on my body for the rest of my life.

Some days it’s hard to stay peppy… some days I look at myself and I’m afraid to lose the weight… it’s a security blanket… it has been for years.. .it keeps me invisible and gives me an excuse to hide from life.

Most days I can tell those feelings to fuck off…. most days I’m so happy with my progress I want to tell everyone I meet that I used to be 30 lbs heavier… Look at what I did world! I actually LOST THE WEIGHT… And I’m STILL LOOSING… every second of the day I’m working at becoming smaller and healthier…….Most days.

But some days, the world seems darker. I remember the things that have happened to me… like they haunt me, every moment. I remember the feeling of being trapped underneath someone and not having the power to break free. I remember the shock and hurt I felt when he pushed me down the stairs…  I remember the betrayal… all of the betrayals. Some days that’s all I remember, and I want to curl up under my bed (which is no easy task since my bed is a mattress on the ground) and hide from the world. Some days I look at everyone around me and wonder… Why??

The what if’s are ghosts that hang over my head… the demons of past mistakes rage through me and try to tear away all the progress I’ve made… the fat that remains taunts me… every time I look in the mirror it says “Here I am!! I’m STILL HERE, you can’t escape me!” I remember nick names like Jr. Yokozuna…. Shamooo…. I remember.

I wonder how long it will take, or how many lbs it will take, before I can look in the mirror and actually be happy with the girl who stares back at me? I hope I can get there some day…

I don’t want this post to be all down in the dumps, so if you’ve made it this far, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here, reading my words, and knowing my story. I’ll leave you all on a lighter, happier note.

I re-timed the time it takes me to walk from my car to my desk, at my heaviest (and parking closer) it would sometimes take nearly 15 minutes to limp from my car to my desk… by the time I got there I’d be sweaty, out of breath, and in so much pain I’d be fighting back tears….. Yesterday I timed myself at 5 minutes. No shortness of breath, No limp, No sweat, and most importantly, other than the “burn” in my legs, NO PAIN.

That my friends… is a good thing.

Soon I will have the money saved up to get myself some roller skates and I will get out there and enjoy the summer. I’m nearly there and so excited!

And even with all my whining above… and the food cravings that threaten to drive me INSANE before this is done (Seriously.. it’s bad… I’m an addict and the withdrawals don’t seem to be done with me… ) I’m past the half way mark and the end is closer to me now than the beginning… I’m excited to put into effect some of the new things I’ve been taught, and I’m eager to see the progress I make on this next half of my shake time.

The progress WON’T stop after the shakes… it’ll just take a while longer, the loss won’t be as rapid… and that’s a GOOD thing. It’s easier on your body and organs to lose weight at a slower pace, and really, in the end… I’m trying not to focus on the number as much as I’m focusing on all the good things, like my overall health and happiness.

When it comes down to it, I just want to be happy… at whatever size I end up at.. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love that girl. I want to be able to pass a large window and not shudder at my reflection..

And you know what? It would be really neat if I could walk without my stomach applauding me with every step (Meaning it flaps around and makes a clapping noise sometimes which is SUPER embarrassing… YAY)

I just want to be happy…. ideally happy AND skinny-ish.. ok not super skinny… I really do love having SOME curves… I swear there’s an hourglass figure hiding under that fat guys.. It’s totally there, I remember it and I miss it. But if I never make it to One-derland…. I just want to find a way to be happy and comfortable in the skin I’m in.

IMG_437558724131651I’m going to try to work towards not discouraging myself. Every step forward is a step forward… I keep telling everyone else that, it’s time I start to tell myself that too. I’m SO far from where I was, and if I keep going in this direction I’ll be even further 6 weeks from now.

Can’t give up… Won’t give up… No matter what.


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