Let me start this by saying, I am not having anxiety about my marriage… I am having anxiety about my wedding. That is a very strong and clear distinction I feel is necessary to state right off the bat. I love M, he is the ONLY person that I have ever felt this way about. He is the only person who fits with my brand of weirdness, and I fit with his, we’re like two puzzle pieces, and our squiggly edges click.. ya know what I mean?
Now that that is said… I am shitting my pants here guys.. Like full on freaking out! The closer it gets to the “big day” the more anxiety I have. Partially this is because I am not on any form of anxiety medication right now thanks to my psychiatrist taking 3 weeks off and having to reschedule everyone so my next available apt isn’t until NOVEMBER…. and partially because my doctor can’t see me until the earliest late October… and that was when I called about my car accident in JULY.. so I declined that appointment since it was useless to schedule an appointment for 3 months from now regarding an accident and my immediate pain.. by now if I tried to get in, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was another 3 months at the earlier I’d have to wait… so all my options of getting pills are gone. I COULD refill my old prescription, but last time I took those I nearly died SO… med free right before my wedding. The most stressful time in my life, and I have zero help. Thanks docs, super appreciate the support :S
The other part of it, is that it feels awkward.. We’ve been together for almost 10 years… all of our friends have kids, and most have already been married.. A big part of me feels like the world has moved on from the excitement of weddings, and there are so many more important things than a party to focus on. It’s like we missed our shot for a super fun exciting time. Everyone has more responsibilities now, more to focus on, they’ve already done the wedding thing… And I know this is probably just all in my head, but I feel like we are just late to the party. What’s a wedding in comparison to kids? Back in our 20’s sure weddings are freaking exciting and all the parties and planning nights that come along with it are exciting and fun… Now it’s a mess of finding sitters and finding times in everyone schedule to carve out a few hours, and trying to figure out how to manage Mike’s sleep schedule and weird working hours, with our vendor appointments.. which usually means I’m doing things by myself. This definitely wasn’t the pre-wedding experience I dreamt about when I was a little girl. I always thought wedding planning would mean loads of get together’s and suppers with friends while we crafted and giggled and chatted about anything and everything… or having a stag and doe and rehearsal dinner, and engagement party, and every single excuse to party or celebrate and enjoy the anticipation of finally being married.. I thought it would be chaos, but fun chaos with all our guys and girls at our backs having a blast and finding excuses to hang out and excitedly plan every detail… Mostly I feel like a burden to everyone, if I plan something it will inevitably fall on a day someone has planned something else, or it will conflict with whatever else is going on, and I can never nail down more than 2 people in a room at the same time. I’ve successfully done it twice now in 3 years. 1 crafting day (and it still wasn’t everyone.. but mostly everyone), and for my bridal shower (which again, 90% of the people I invited bailed).. right now I can’t wait for the wedding to be over so I’ll stop being a burden on everyone.
One of my biggest anxiety triggers, is wanting to please everyone. Which, as you know, is an impossible task… Our wedding is one giant impossible task, no matter what I pick, it doesn’t work for somebody. The last 3 years have been a series of me trying to plan things, only for it not to work for most of the people involved, and then spending the next few days / weeks / months agonizing over it trying to figure out a way to make it work for everyone so that I can enjoy it too.
I’m also terrified of being labelled a Bridezilla because early on everyone warned me not to be one.. So now if I want something, I’m afraid to ask because what if this is what smacks the label on my forehead. I’ve been a very agreeable bride (I think) mostly just saying Yes to anything and everything, meanwhile Mike get’s to deal with my crying for hours because now I’m so muddled I can’t make sense of anything and I’ve forgotten what I’ve promised to who, and how will I make it all happen, especially after loosing a month due to the accident.
Mostly I walk around in a ball of nerves… and I know that the day of I’ll be even worse. Standing and waiting to walk down that isle will probably have me crying.. not from love.. but from the anticipation that will surely kill me.
I can plan all the parts about other people’s roles.. but when it comes to my own, I panic. Not because I don’t want to.. but because I have a warped sense of myself… and I fully realize this.. my brain is broken lol. Everything feels forced and grandiose and makes no sense.. First dance, Father Daughter dance, Mother Son dance, garter toss, bouquet toss, WTF.. Part of me says if I don’t do it, I’ll have regrets later in life.. but the other part of me thinks if I do do it, I’ll feel hella awkward and like I’m forcing everyone to watch me… which is hella weird. I don’t know how people do it man. I used to plan out my wedding in my daydreams way back in the day and relished every second.. Now that it’s here, I just feel bad for making people watch me dance which feels weird. How did something I used to dream about, become this awkward show?
I don’t regret my Groom, I love everyone who is attending, I know we will all have fun.. and yet I still feel super embarrassed to make people look at me. Mainly it’s because of my size… I’m not exactly tiny… who wants to watch that try to waddle around for hours in a big dress. What if I sweat? What if I look insane from all the crying… What if I can’t walk anymore because of my ankles.
There are so many things preventing me from enjoying this lead up… and I hope it all washes away the day of.. but right now I’m basically just living every second of my life in a panic and wanting it to be over :(. Mental illness sucks.
Anyway, if anyone was wondering what the inside of my head was like 30+ days out from the wedding, with a severe case of anxiety disorder which is currently untreated by medication.. it’s this LOL… Though TBH, I was feeling all of this while on the meds too.. I just didn’t yell as much or have actual panic attacks.. it was just loads of crying. Now it’s crying plus panic attacks… and my panic attacks don’t look like typical panic attacks. My face get’s itchy, I swear a lot, I become incapable of thinking coherent thoughts, I have trouble doing easy things, and I yell/talk…with even more swearing.. Did I mention I swear a lot.
Non panicked Shannon generally only swears when she is gaming… I say words like Toot and oh my Gourd, and Holy bananas on a mountain batman! .. if I start using actual swear words in the same sentence, I’m probably panicking. An f-bomb here, an s-word there, that’s normal… Trying to say. I need to tie my shoes.. and having that come out as “I fucking need to tie these piece of shit mother fucking god damn cunt fucking shoes”… is generally a sign that I’m mid panic attack LOL.
If you read this far, you’re a brave soul and High-5’s to you! I’d give you a cookie, except you’re over there, and I am over here.