R.I.P 2016

Holy Boats you guys, 2016 has been a clusterfuck for so many people! We’ve lots a lot of legends in the arts and entertainment world, endured the aftermath and heart ache of numerous terrorist attacks, lived through the shock that the U.S really is racist enough to vote Donald Drumpf as #POTUS.. and for me personally I had a brush with death thanks to an OC transpo bus smashing into my car. It’s been a year y’all, and I for one am glad it’s coming to an end.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotion, and I’ve run the gambit, my anxiety disorder has gotten worse, as has my weight (largely… hehe… in part to my mental health), and as the weight increases my physical health has declined. This also marks the first year I became officially “handicapped”… which wasn’t such a great feeling.

With that said though, this was also the year that I got to marry my best friend and partner in crime Mike, my nephews Odin and Oliver were born, and my niece Rhys too! 3 more babies for me to cuddle and love

So now, the year is almost over.. and I find myself looking back, weighing the good times against the bad, and though there were a lot more bad times… the good times were REALLY good, and I am thankful for every moment because it’s shaped me into who I am today. So High-5’s for positivity eh? (BTW the spell checker in WordPress is saying positivity isn’t a real word….. Thanks Google for proving that my brain isn’t THAT messed up)

I’ll be straight up with you, I am NOT a fan of “New Years Resolutions”, I understand the concept, but I also don’t let setting myself up for failure. If I stand here and say “HI I’m going to lose 20 lbs this year”… and then I don’t do it, well I’ll just feel like a right arsehole now eh? But I do like the idea of using the end of the year to take a moment and review what you have done, and what you would like to accomplish. January 1st is also a nice clean starting point, as trite as the “New Year, New Me” bologna is… So with that train of thought, here is what I’m thinking for my 2017.

K so I’m fat as fuck. We all know that by now… No sugar coating that, it’s pretty dang obvious ๐Ÿ˜‰ And I would like to lose weight… as I’ve stated millions of times… I’m not setting a numerical goal though, eff that. My scale isn’t going to come out for awhile, and IF it does, I probably won’t share the number… Last I checked I was somewhere around the 350 range… yep Three Hundred and Fifty pounds. It’s been killing my joints and I am in pain almost 24/7, my hips are sorta out of whack because my legs are too fat to walk properly, and everywhere else hurts because… well… Go to the grocery store, and carry around enough 10lbs bags of potatoes to equal the difference between your weight, and mine, let’s see how far you can make it before you’re in tears eh?

So now that I’ve said all that (and really I’m not saying that to be down on myself, it’s just fact, and I’d rather confront it than pretend I’m healthy or that I look great), I really do want to lose weight…. and I don’t want everyone’s advice on how to do it. I have the tools, I know what to do, and I need to do this ON MY OWN. I love and appreciate the help, and welcome any recipes you want to FB, email, comment to me as I’m working on creating a healthy cookbook for myself… but as well intentioned as most people are (again spell check doesn’t think intentioned is a word… WTF WordPress) having “advice” shoved at me 24/7 just stresses me out and pushes me the opposite direction. The more people try to help, the more I feel the need to escape and hide in my shell because it puts so much pressure on me. I realize that’s not what you mean to do… but when someone gives me advice I feel like I HAVE to take it, even if I know it’s not something I would be able to maintain… and then I feel bad because I either failed at my attempt, or for not trying, and then I feel like I HAVE to lose weight ASAP to prove that I’m trying and listening and doing my best, and then when that doesn’t work, I get anxious and don’t want to be seen because I am a huge failure at all things weight loss.. and that triggers my need to eat comfort food to help manage the stress, which triggers me GAINING weight, and then I’m stressed about THAT because instead of following your helpful advice and losing weight, I’ve now made things worse, and feel like I’m going to have a damned heart attack any time you come near me because I’ve failed you and that hurts my heart. I never want to let anyone down, and I know that by being my size, I’ve let everyone down who was cheering me on during the Optifast days. Yes the shakes worked, and I lost 70 lbs… but afterwards my hormones went so crazy that my period STILL hasn’t regulated itself, my joints got worse because of the drastic size reduction, and then weight gain as my hormones ran amok. It’s been hard, I tried my best, and it wasn’t good enough, and I still feel every day like I’ve failed everyone by not keeping it off.

Phew.. Ok so I just said a bunch of words.. but what does that mean? Well my dear, it means that I need to do this my way, and in my time, and I may not post numbers, I may not post what I’m doing, or how often… it may not be completed in 2017… or I may get right into it and share everything on a weekly basis and end up dropping a gazillion pounds (HA!). Whatever happens I need to do it my own way, and you can help me by sending me recipes, I will do my best to try them all, but I can’t promise that I will.

I’ve also gotten two notebooks for Christmas which will (hopefully) be turning into two separate ways for me to help my mental health out. One will be a journal where the left hand page (or back of the page if the notebook is open.. flip the top page so now left side is the back of page 1, and right side is the front of page 2.. get it?) will be my negativity dump, a place to vent, scribble, freak out, spew out all the bad shit in my brain.. and the right side will have to have something positive written down for each negative point I’ve made. It’s a two-fold effect, 1) I get to take the garbage out of my head and put it down on paper, which will hopefully help quiet that nasty little troll telling me I’m not good enough… and 2) the positive pages will be a great source to draw on when I feel 2 inches tall and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My second notebook will be more of an agenda, a bullet journal actually (Google it, they are amazing). This will give me a nice little creative outlet AND help me keep track of shit. I also want to make a Gratitude list, though I am not sure how I will set it up yet (daily, weekly, whenever I think of something. etc)… Nothing negative can go in that space… this way, during times when I’m scared to look at my other notebook because I know my eyes will zero in on the negative sides and just agree with all the nasty shit I’ve previously written and ignore the good stuff… I’ll have a place where I can go that’s nothing but good.

I’m also going to try and blog more often, that’s something that’s really fallen to the way-side as I planned for my wedding and I miss it. It’s like this fun and easy way for me to tell everyone I know and love how I’m doing without having to re-tell the shittier parts over and over again. I’m an open book, and have no issues talking about these things (hello if I was scared to talk about my weight do you think I’d post the number of pounds I am on the INTERNET… I know people in the 100’s who are afraid to post their number and I just want to hug their skinny little behinds ๐Ÿ˜‰ LOL) Anyway… as much as I’m open I find it’s sometimes easier to just type out my words and post them, rather than re-tell a million times over. I also don’t like posting to FB statuses and being like “HEY YOU! THIS IS WHAT’S GOING ON. I’M DOING MY BEST BUT I’M PRETTY EFFING BROKEN OK?”. By blogging, you can come read if you want to know what’s up, or you can keep scrolling. I’m not shoving my journey down anyone’s throat, and that’s a good thing. I’m not about drama, or oh woe is me.. I’m just doing this thing, and if you want an update this blog is where you can catch up.. and if you don’t, no worries, just scroll past my blog post status ๐Ÿ˜‰

*deep breath* Have you made it this far? If so, here’s a cookie. You win at being awesome. If you’ve skimmed over my novel, I don’t blame ya and you also get a cookie ๐Ÿ˜€

I guess it’s time to wrap this up eh? Here’s to a 2017 filled with journaling and more progress on my way towards being a happier, healthier me. If you have a journal, or bullet journal, I love looking at inspiration pages (pages that give you ideas in what to do with yours) feel free to post pics here, on Facebook, or by email ( FawkinGoodThings@gmail.com) . This year my focus is on finding balance, getting my life organized, and working on my mental health. I truly believe that once I can crawl out of the depressed terrified anxiety rock I’m shoved under, that it will be easier for me to lose weight. Historically any time I’ve successfully lost weight, it was when I was in a good spot mentally…. whenever something bad happens, any progress I’ve made goes away and I landslide into morbid obesity. ANYWAY yes. New Year New me? Nah…. But New Year being a nice place to start a journal while I continue my progress towards being OK? I can get behind that!

Best of luck to you in the New Year, Stay weird – Normal is over rated


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