Self Restraint.. when will you get easier?

I’ve often wondered what it would be like, to let go.. Do all those bad things that other people do. Those naughty things I have never let myself experience. Those who know me, know that I’m hopelessly square. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.. and in fact have never tried any type of drug. I’m Miss Goodie Two Shoes personified.
This, my friends, is not always by choice. This is by necessity. I have no self restraint. Well, almost none. Once I start something I have a very hard time stopping. As you’ve probably noticed by now via this blog, I have an addiction to food. Something I unfortunately can’t avoid completely as I do with every other form of drug known to man. I become addicted to things very easily, lip chap, cracking my knuckles, nachos, sex, ginger ale, poetry, painting, photography.. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. This is NOT something I wish to be, but it seems to just be the way I’m hardwired. Once I start something I can’t stop. Once I fall in love with something… anything.. I keep going and going until I feel as though I can’t live without it. As if denying myself this one thing would be the kill a part of my soul. Normal Shannon acknowledges that this is weird… illogical crazy Shannon just says that’s life, and can’t imagine being any other way.
The result is that I am a passionate person, I often run hot or cold, loud or quiet, Hard or Soft… I don’t often live in the middle ground, which considering I’m a Libra and supposedly all for balance; it’s an odd lifestyle to have. Don’t get me wrong, I crave balance and stability, I strive for it. Yet it always seems out of my reach. I’m constantly at war with my own damned self. I second guess everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING that I do/say/feel/”know”/want/need etc. For instance I love me some Nachos. They are ooey gooey goodness. Since this blog process has started I have had nachos exactly 2 times. 2 times!!!
I still have a hard time believing it myself, since I used to have them once a week… at most once every 2 weeks. Now I’m down to maybe once a month or longer. I still crave them, ALL the time. Every time I wonder what to eat, Nachos is normally the first place my brain goes. So when I want Nachos, I debate it for hours maybe days sometimes… Do I REALLY want nachos? Have I eaten healthy enough the last few weeks to make up for the amount of calories I’d be ingesting… will I hate myself afterwards for giving in to this urge.. Do I only want them because my brain is stupid, or do I actually want them right now because they taste delish and it’s been awhile? Why the hell can’t I just say… Hmm I could go for some Nachos right now, and then do it… Pointe finale!
Why? Because that is not who I am. I don’t trust myself, my emotions, my thought process. I still feel broken. I also feel like an idiot for admitting all of this, as if it might make me less of a person to acknowledge that I am in fact human.
I know that I’ve been a good daughter, and a good big sister, and a good second Mom, and a good friend, and a good girlfriend. But at the same time that I know all of this, I wonder if it’s actually true. Could I be better? Have I tried hard enough to convey to all my loved ones that they are in fact loved? That I can’t imagine my world without them, and that I value everyone in my life. I would not be here, without your love and support. I would not be able to win the countless battles I have raging inside of me, if it weren’t for you.
I’ve gotten a bit off-track as per the usual when I start talking lol, but the point of this post was just to say that I’m wondering if this ever does get easier. Will I constantly second guess every wish I ever have for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to think of food without over-analyzing the shit out of it? Will I ever be able to see a friend without replaying everything in my mind constantly trying to make sure I haven’t pissed them off, or been a shitty person? Will I ever be freed from the constant struggle that seems to be my life?
I have no desire to end my life. Please don’t worry about that. I just… I don’t know if it ever gets easier. I don’t know what it’s like to live without constant fear and anxiety… I don’t know what it’s like to be free. And I’m wondering… Does it ever get easier? Or should I be hunkering down and simply trying to find more coping mechanisms to make life as easy as possible for my messed up brain.
So I’ll leave it up to you folks, please feel free to reply via comments/email/text what have you… How do YOU feel? Am I more normal than I’m thinking… is this something everyone struggles with, or am I damaged goods? LOL. Also, do you think self restraint get’s easier with time? And if not, what tips do you have that I could implement to help control my urges to binge when stressed and/or upset.
Also for anyone wanting to share, I would love to hear about you. Your struggle, your fears, your hopes and dreams, my inbox is always open, and I will always be here for all of you. <3 Sorry for the randomness of my blog today. I just felt like it needed to be said.

Comments 2

  • You are not alone in thinking. I think it’s natural to question and second guess yourself and your actions. It just shows you care that much more. I feel the same way sometimes with my job, what did I forget to do and what if affects that patient’s care or life. I also am constantly regretting things I say to friends because what if it upset them or makes them think badly of me. I think you just need believe that it will get easier, but the questions in your mind may never go away, but you might get less of them or maybe will get used to them. Talking your questions out might help, which is what you are doing right now, so a great start. I am here for you if you ever need a sounding board so just remember that. Love ya!

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