SO as you all know the plan was Jan 1st to start shakes full time again.
Funny thing… my brain was all like YEAH LET’S DO THIS. and my body was like LOL screw your plans, here is a plague for you to deal with.
So that happened.
I did TRY to do shakes… but I was so weak that I ended up getting my cold back full force and the fever and the aches and OMG I’m such a baby.. but yeah, super sick plus me just starting the shakes was not such a great plan… SO I went back to food and fed my cold, and OMG I was like a bottomless pit of starving! Seriously I could not get enough food.. I started to wonder if at some point I contracted a tape worm on top of the plague.. like no matter what I ate, I still felt weak and hungry like I hadn’t had a thing.
OK weird rant.. but yes. It was pure hell. And thanks to this plague Mike and I have had to postpone any type of engagement celebrations… We missed Christmas with both our families and new years even with our friends… While it was nice to have the week locked inside with no one but my FIANCE (hahaha I love saying that) to keep me company… it really wasn’t how we’d envisioned spending our first week engaged after waiting for the engagement aprox 4 years LOL. This Feb we will have been together 7 years and I can’t wait for 2016 so that I can be his wife *Big cheesey grin here*.
So tomorrow is my re-launch of the shakes part deux. I have to say I’m more afraid than looking forward to it. I know once I get back into the swing of things I’ll be OK.. and I also know that mentally I need another reset button as my binge eating was starting to get harder and harder to fight and my weird obsession with nachos became even more obvious…. To the point where I was having it for supper pretty much every single night, even when other food was available, because if I didn’t I’d get anxious… WHO DOES THAT… argh. The only way to convince myself not to just straight up BINGE on them, was to promise myself I’d have them again tomorrow… and than tomorrow… and than tomorrow.. and so on and so forth. I feel like a walking bag of fat.
It doesn’t help that my scale is like HAHA you’re so fat now. Granted no where near as bad as I was first time around.. but I have gained another 5 lbs.. bringing the total from my lowest point to 15 lbs… which just… let’s just say I shed a few tears over it shall we. Which of course is adding to the stress, and the anxiety, which made the nacho cravings harder to resist, which lead to me fearing the scales… yadda yadda yadda welcome to the circle of life.
So tomorrow I go back to my old friend Mr. Chocolate shake. 3 months of nothing but shakes… I can do this *deep breath* Did it once, and I’ll do it again.. and hell, I may even do it a third time if they let me! I’m a goddamned shake drinking MACHINE!
I swear.. when I’m on shakes, life just makes more sense… I don’t have the fear and anxiety and stress about food.. and sure I miss it, and some days I want to scream… but everything is pre-packaged… Simply add water and go. I don’t even have to open the fridge, don’t have to cook.. I tend to treat food the way a cashier treats money.. Sure I might be holding 1000$ worth of 20’s in my hands.. but it’s not my money, so in that moment it’s nothing more than paper…. When I’m on shakes, that’s what food becomes for me… just something that belongs to other people. I can remove myself from that world, and OMG the relief is so sublime.
Which I know you’re probably asking yourself at this point….. but Shannon… if you love being on shakes so much, why are you so nervous / stressed about tomorrow…. Well… because I am. Because my brain doesn’t like to make sense, and because my body is a giant cruel monster of blubber.
Did you know that when I look in the mirror I still don’t see any difference from when I first when on shakes last April. I logically know there’s a difference, there must be, I’ve gone down dress sizes… but when I look at myself, I see the exact same person I saw way back when. I think my face is smaller…. but that’s the only place I see any amount of change at all.
I’m not trying to fish for compliments, I mean I literally see NO difference in myself. When I look in the mirror, other than my double chin being more like a chin and a half now… I see nothing different. My brain is a dick isn’t it?
So here I am, the eve of going back to shakes AND the eve of going back to work full time (well I’m still a temp.. but I work more than 2 days a week again lol)… my nerves are on overdrive, and I want to curl up into a ball and have tomorrow pass me by. I’d love to stay home another day, ignore the world, spend one more day on the couch watching netflix and recuperating from this monster cold… but I know at this point I am physically healthy enough to get out of the house…. here’s to hoping that once I get my body moving, emotionally I’ll catch up ;).
Thanks as always for reading this far if you have… and if you haven’t… Well then you won’t see this part, so you won’t mind my sticking my tongue out at you 😛
Big hugs for all!