I got a lot accomplished this weekend, and so I would like you to join me in a Happy Dance
* Insert butt shaking happy dance here *
The butt shaking is important… don’t forget it.
Anyway, as I was saying, this weekend was pretty magical. Somehow I had this random urge to Do All The Things!!!!!! With the help of Mike we cleaned, and did yard work, and basically kicked butt at life.
The scale says I haven’t moved a bit.. but I don’t mind. I haven’t gained either which is a good thing! and with all the working out I’ve inadvertently been doing, I’m bound to gain some muscle mass. And as we all know, muscle weighs more than fat.
One thing I’ve noticed, is that the more positive changes I make, the more positive my train of thoughts tend to be. I’m not saying that I can use this new knowledge to never have a down day again… But i am saying that it’s getting easier and easier to have good days. It’s as if my brain is rewarding me for trying to change by making me less afraid of life. I am still nervous in groups of people, but nowhere near as bad as before. At least I haven’t had a major panic attack in awhile. *knock wood*, I’m going to Comic Con this weekend and Blues fest to see Walk off the earth.. and neither of these things are causing me to want to curl up into a ball right now. That for me is a huge improvement! I can’t guarantee that while at these two awesome events I won’t have moments where I wish everyone would just go away and let me have some space to think/breath, but I know that with Mike and my friends around I’ll feel safe. That is something I didn’t have before. That is something I’m so thankful for now. It’s like my brain is finally being able to accept that my friends, are my friends, and not enemies. It’s so nice not to have to fight with my own brain as much anymore. I’m not sure how many of you who read my blog can relate.. but there’s been times where I’ll sit there, alone with my thoughts, trying to convince myself that what I’m thinking is irrational. And how in the heck do you convince yourself that what you’re thinking/feeling in that moment is actually wrong.
I used to feel trapped by my own fears, unable to relate to the world around me. Somewhat like living in a bubble. I could see out, I could somewhat interact with the world, but no one could see ME. They’d see the bubble… the small bit of me I was able to portray. A washed out neurotic faded and depressed version of the person I was trying so hard to show. The real Me has been hidden for more years than I can recall.. And now, while I’m sitting here analyzing myself and my feelings etc.. I’m realizing that while I know I’m still shielded, my bubble is more like a sieve now. Letting more of my inner light through, and letting more of the love surrounding me to actually come in and warm me. I don’t feel so removed from everyone, I don’t feel so alone.. And because of this I’m able to continue moving forward.
I may never be a normal person… Though in reality, who is “normal”… I know that I will always be a bit “off the wall”… I will never fully fit into one genre, because there are so many sides to who I am. I am a million shades of grey.. And I’m starting to love that about myself. I can feel it happening, one small bit at a time. Re-discovering the parts of me I thought had long since died and were buried. I feel myself coming back to life, I feel more confidence, I feel … well I FEEL. I don’t try to suppress all my emotions anymore, I don’t try to shy away from everyone I know simply because I don’t feel as though I’m worthy of their friendship. I’m not a shit person.. Truly I’m not. And I think I’m actually starting to believe that too!
So to all those people who told me growing up, that I was worth nothing.. That no one would love me… That I was too Fat, or too Ugly, or too Stupid to be worth it.. Well I say a Giant Eff you to them. Because more and more I’m realizing that I am Worth it… And I am pretty in my own way.. And yes I’m fat, but I’m working on that and one day I will be a hot tamale.
I think I rambled on a bit during this blog… so for those of you who have made it this far. I’m sending you massive hugs! for those of you who skimmed… I totally don’t blame you, I do talk a lot.. Hugs being sent your way as well.. And for those of you who are on your own journey, I wish you the best of luck! One baby step at a time, and we CAN do it! <3