I haven’t blogged in awhile. I could lie and say it’s simply because I’ve been busy (which would be half true as I have actually been busy)…. But mostly it is because I have no idea what to say right now.
After my third attempt at Optifast, I’ve decided to stop trying to make myself take them. The first time it was a miracle…. And still the weight loss can not be denied. It was drastic and saved my life… However with that said, my second and third attempts were rubbish.
Part of me thinks it might just be that my body wasn’t ready for it… Being on shakes round 2 and 3 caused extreme exhaustion, dizziness, mood swings, gnawing hunger and cravings out the wazoo… It was pure hell.
Part of me thinks my own mind wouldn’t allow the shakes to work again… I am my own worst enemy.
So here I sit, looking back, and still I don’t know what the cause was… But I do know that I am working towards getting help.
My focus right now isn’t so much on getting smaller…. I’ll be happy to maintain for awhile… Right now I need to fix myself in other ways.
I’m working on figuring out what my insurance will and won’t cover before I move forward, but I’ve been looking into behavioral therapy as well as regular therapy… I also am waiting to hear back from the Royal Ottawa to see if they will let me into their eating disorder groups… As well as their anxiety support… I think they are group sessions, which is scary as shit…. But I also know that I need help, and as therapeutic as this blog is for me… And as much as all of your support and love have helped me claw my way out of the pit I was in…. I’m at a wall, and I think I need new tools in order to break this one down.
The more I get my eating disorder under control and eat better, make better choices etc…. The worse my anxiety gets because food is / was, my drug of choice…. Without it, I’ve taken away my coping mechanisms…. As a result I am more anxious and terrified of my own shadow now, than I was while living through the worst times of my life…. In some ways I handled abuse and rape easier than I’ve been handling recovery.
Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, I am fine. I’m doing really well, and am still optimistic as heck…. But there is this baseline fear I live with, that gets worse if and when I don’t binge, or stuff my face with junk food…. And even on my good days I feel it like a weight pressing on my shoulders… Sometimes, I forget its there… And then something, some small thing, will cause my panic to flare. When it does, after the initial flinching, loss of breath, fast heart etc… I get hungry…. It’s so strong that I feel as though I will die of starvation if I don’t eat. My mouth waters, I crave everything under the sun, I start to try and plan my next meal, how will I get it, what will I need, where will I go… I imagine the flavors and textures and sometimes it’s so good I swear it could rival sex. Food calms me, it fills me and leaves me feeling solid and real, it anchors me, nourishes me, tempts me, and tortures me. It is a drug I can never escape, I can never abstain, and I truly can not live without it.
I’ve come a very long way from where I was…. And I am proud of where I am, but I also fully realize I still have a battle or two, or twenty to fight…. So now I must choose my weapons and brace for the coming war.
I may not be able to give up food, but by god we are going to find a way to coexist without killing me.
Anyway, I’ll leave you on that fun note. Just letting you know, I’m still here, still fighting, still struggling…. But for the most part I am happy and making progress and for right now that is enough for me.