The wedding is now just over 3 months away and the stress is KILLING ME. At this point I feel like I should probably be heavily sedated to get through this thing… ugh.
What is there to be afraid of? No clue.. I mean it’s a tiny wedding, less than 50 people, the only strangers there will be my venders, all of whom I’ve met (well except for whoever will be tending bar or the reception staff etc..) and everyone so far is really nice. What is there to be afraid of? I purposely picked a venue that is not easily accessible to random public eyes, because I knew having a bunch of strangers gawking would freak me out.. we cut the size down to next to no one so as to alleviate the stress of A) the cost and B) my fear of crowds and the auditory issues I have filtering noises that cause me to become easily flustered and anxious.
I’ve done all of the right things to make this as stress free as possible.. and yet here I am, trying not to puke, because I spent my lunch hour looking at possible hair pieces on etsy. This shit has to get done. I need to know how to wear my hair the day of, it’s not like I can postpone forever.. and yet, whenever I try to plan anything, panic sets in…
And no… not panic over the man I am marrying.
Panic over the wedding, not the marriage, there is a big difference.
The food will be great, the ceremony will be awesome, and the reception will rock… In vague concepts I am in love with everything we picked for this wedding.. but when we start to plan the bits and pieces, fear sets in and I freak the fuck out. Nothing I’ve tried so far helps to stop this.
Handing over control to others makes it a GAZILLION times worse because on top of my fear, I am also terrified I will hate what they do and then not be able to hide it and then they’ll be upset and then I’ll have hurt someone I love who was only trying to help and it’ll just be a shitshow of tears.
Regaining control is also no good, as I’m fine saying “I want a rustic wedding, I love all of these pictures, and these are the types of things that I like”….I’m also fine picking things for my bridesmaids or groomsmen, flower girl or ring bearer. I’m find with center pieces, and hand writing the ceremony.
What I’m not fine with.. is absolutely every single aspect of my own details. Hair, makeup, jewelry, song choices, veil length, knowing which ways make me look fatter vs less fat (I’m not going to try and kid myself into thinking anything will make me look thin lol). Should I wear spanx or say fuck it.. should I wear crocs, or running shoes.. or sandals.. or small heels.. Should I paint my nails this colour or that..
Most brides I’ve seen seem to be able to nail their own shit and have a hard time on all the other stuff, I’m 100% the opposite. If I could just have a wedding without myself needing to be seen by anyone or anything, that’d be perfect. :S
I am also having problems trying to figure out gifts for people. Who should get a gift, who shouldn’t, how much is too much, how much is too little, what would people like.. should I just buy the same thing for everyone, or personalize.. do I buy more for one and less for another, but what will so and so thing, will they feel left out.. in that case should I then also buy them something?
My brain right now is like a giant minefield of insanity and stress and the end result is I am having stomach issues that don’t seem to be going away. Nausea, cramps, exhaustion, that’s the name of the game.. every time I think I’m getting better, I either eat the wrong thing, or try to do more wedding shit and BAM back to feeling sick.
Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of my life or something like that? WTF
Anyway, that’s where I’m at with wedding planning. If I could remove myself from the equation things would be going great LOL.