Stress Eating

Lately, I have been under a lot of stress, and as a result, I’ve been constantly hungry and grazing or nibbling, or all out just snacking / eating… whatever…. The end result is that I haven’t lost any weight (obviously) and in fact I have gained. To say that I am mad at myself would be an understatement. Stress happens, and I need to find a way to deal with it. The only thing that is keeping me together right now is knowing that as of June 10th I’ll be going back down to part time, once on part time I fully plan on fixing my life.

 

OK that sounds crazy…

What I mean is, that I am planning on taking this time to focus on ME, and my environment. I want to get my house in order as it is a chaotic mess with no organization. I want to purge all of the clutter that is just taking up useless space and create something that helps me relax and feel at ease in my own home, as opposed to the anxious OMG WHERE DID ALL THIS STUFF COME FROM feeling that I currently have. My house is overwhelming to say the least.. half finished reno projects, boxes and crap, not all of it ours… I’m thinking of dedicating a room in the house simply to the stuff that doesn’t belong to us that is taking up space.. out of sight, out of mind…

Mostly I want to take the time to try and figure out a way to get my whole life organized… learn to make myself a priority… and learn what it is that I need to do in order to heal mentally and get better. My anxiety has been steadily increasing as I try and tamp down the urge to binge… So far no binging so WOOOT! but still… I’d love to not obsess over my weight, how I look, what I’m eating etc 24 hours a day.

I’m still waiting to hear back from my doc about the hospital support groups – so I haven’t forgotten about that… And I’m working up the guts to see a therapist. Honestly just the thought of looking for a shrink makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going into a new part of town, into a building I’ve never been to before, figuring out how to get there, where to park, finding the office… and then sitting in a waiting room full of people. who are all have their own issues, knowing that someone is probably trying to figure out what’s wrong with me…. seeing my weight.. knowing that I’m probably fat because of something that happened… sitting there… waiting… trying to kill time, all the while knowing that soon I’ll have to meet a stranger.. and not just one stranger.. there’s the receptionist, maybe a nurse.. I don’t know… there will be people.. so many people… none that are familiar to me.. no one that knows me. Some people would find that freeing… and I will admit that under SOME circumstances I feel that freedom… but for whatever reason, the thought of going to see a shrink… just… well I haven’t worked up the guts yet…

On the plus side though I am still trying, and working towards my goals.. I know that the gain is just a step back, and not the end of the world… logic doesn’t factor into the heartache I feel when I step on the scale knowing the sum total of all my meals has been an epic fail weight wise….. but logically yes I know that it’s not the end of the world.. I haven’t gained it ALL back, I hvaen’t even gained the majority of it back… not even half… I’ve gained 15 lbs… and I’m PMS’ing so part of that will shed off as soon as my time of the month is done (sorry for the TMI boys.. ladies you know what I mean… *shakes fist at being a woman*)

I don’t exactly know yet how I will go about putting myself first, and getting my life organized.. the whole thing is pretty overwhelming. Right now I’m just taking it a bit at a time, and hoping that all the small things will add up to big change…. With that said though, I still find it easier to help others than I do to help myself. I haven’t figured out WHY I don’t seem to believe I deserve the help… and until I get my brain under control and figured out, I have a feeling my weight will always be a battle. I somehow have to figure out what the roadblock is that makes it so I can’t see myself as worthy of love or happiness. Again, the logical part of my brain knows that I do… and I appreciate all my friends and family who pour love all over me… but in my quietest moments, when there is no one else around and I’m alone with nothing but my thoughts.. I still don’t feel like I’m worthy. Too many people leave me, have left me, and they’ve all told me it’s my fault… and part of me believes they are right .I am not worthy…. I have a large number of regrets, of people I miss on a daily basis who have all left me, who refuse to speak to me, who have shut me out of their lives…. If I’m such a good person.. they wouldn’t have left.

Basically.. I don’t actually think I’m a good person to be completely honest.. I know I have good moments, I know that I care about everyone in my life and would die for them or give up everything I have to make them happy…. but I still feel like I’m not good enough for them. I’m not worthy… and until I find a way to feel worthy, I won’t be able to take care of myself the way I need to be taken care of.

 

Comments 2

  • Life and the whole darn thing! We all have battles to fight within ourselves. Some of us find it harder to face than others but we are still good, loving human beings. Just because we carry extra weight doesn’t make us bad people, in any way, shape or form ! Be true to thy self….lots of love, peace, health and happiness! Shari xoxoxox

  • *HUG TACKLES* Miss you so much Shari <3 Thank you for always being amazing xoxoxo

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