Yesterday, as we all know now, was Make and Effort Monday. And so, naturally, I did all I could to make an effort. Which believe me was NOT easy.
The cravings I used to have.. I thought were finally going away. However, for whatever reason yesterday they reared their ugly head and attacked me full on. I thought I was getting better, and yet my body still has the ability to throw me a curve ball. I stayed home from work yesterday as my tummy felt wonky most of the weekend, and wasn’t fully better in the AM. The thought of being at work and running to the washroom every few minutes was not an appealing one, and so I stayed home. With that said, I was home… during the day.. and rather than having the excuse of being at work so I obviously can’t run to the store to get crap or order in.. I was at home. No safety net. Mike was at work, my brother home but taking a nap… it was just me, and my thoughts. And my thoughts are so evil.
I hadn’t eaten much since Saturday as every time I did my stomach would revolt. I was hungry mind you, so it was a torture to try and tell my body it wasn’t ready for food yet. Come 12 o’clock yesterday I’d had enough. I needed food. Of course I also needed groceries. Everything, and I do mean every ounce of my being was begging me to order food. I could feel my resolve slipping. I could feel the cravings take over, as if someone else was controlling me. I could hear myself yelling from the inside that pizza or nachos or poutine would really hit the spot right now. The logical sane me tried to deny it. I tried to say that having a bagel, or some rice would be better.. instead the cravings hit harder. Wave after Wave getting stronger until I just about broke.
It was then, that I checked my bank account and paid my bills, leaving me with ummm about 2 dollars in my account lol. It was a last ditch effort, and I know I won’t always have bills to pay when cravings hit. But thankfully it felt like a wet blanket being drapped over the heat of the craving. 2 dollars. What could I possibly get for 2 dollars? So I went into the pantry, and got some sort of sidekick vegitable noodle medly. I don’t know what it was, I don’t really care. It didn’t hit the spot, and I was left like an unsatisfied lover, hungry and wanting more.
Looking back, I’m proud of myself for saying No. The urge to binge is still there, but I fought it once more. I knew with how strong the craving was I wouldn’t be able to stop once I was full. I’d have to keep forking in mouth full after mouth full until I felt like I would be sick, Simply because the cravings would demand more. Never being satisfied until I’m in paid and drowning in my own self pity and sorrow.
The cravings are a bitch. But I said NO. And for that I am happy.
I know one day it will be truly better, and I’ll have more self control and feel more able to monitor my self. Until then all I can do, is continue to do my best.