Off and on lately I’ve been feeling jittery… it is driving me absolutely insane. I did have a french vanilla cappuccino this morning (6:30 am)… but it has been over 12 hours, so I don’t think that could be what’s causing this ongoing anxiousness. I feel, like something is about to happen… OK so granted I’m losing my job and am planning a wedding… But I’ve had those things going on for awhile now, why randomly some days I feel like my heart is going to explode from nerves, and others I’m mellow as can be. My emotions haven’t been all over the place so I know my meds are still working… but some days, like today, I feel anxious, every minute of the day… I feel like something is about to happen, something bad, it’s not a good feeling, and the fact that I can’t place a real reason as to why this happens some days as opposed to others bothers me. It’s just this shadow of dread hanging over me waiting to pounce.
On the plus side once I’m out of work I will have more time to focus on myself and my mental health and hopefully figure out exactly what’s going on right now. Is it the occasional coffee I have (Seriously it’s maybe once or twice a week when I’m REALLY tired lol, it’s not like I’m overloading the caffeine), is it because of the wedding, is it still because of my weight and constant struggle with food? No one thing stands out as a pattern on the days like today here I feel like the world is about to end but I can’t really tell you why… I think maybe I’ll start to journal on those days specifically in one spot, maybe compare all the days after awhile and see if there are any correlations that I can extrapolate?
The plus side is that snuggles from my love often help calm my nerves… so on that note I’m off to crawl into bed with Mike and hopefully have this weird mood evaporate before I have to sleep alone… on days like this, if I can’t settle my nerves, sleeping in the house alone just makes things worse… I mean I HAVE had my house broken into once before… when I’m nerves are raw like they are tonight, that fear that it will happen again comes back with a vengeance. *sigh* I’m off to grab cuddles and strength for my rock in all things.
Have a great night <3