The Laundry List

So my physical is tomorrow. This comes complete with the shame over how I haven’t lost or have gained since my last appointment, despite my best efforts otherwise… the knowledge that I probably could have done more, A LOT more, but haven’t been able to find the strength / motivation to stick with it, and the realization that I’ve wasted another year of my life being sick and not able to actually enjoy anything.

This year I’m going to see my doc, with a laundry list of problems, the list seems to grow each year, as I’m sure it will, until one day I die. Somewhat morbid, I know.. but hey, that’s me.. Morbidly Obese. Why the hell can’t I just say Fuck it! and go for a walk… I tried to the other night.. Bet you didn’t know that. Well I KNOW you didn’t know that, because I didn’t tell anyone… and the reason I didn’t say anything, was because even before I began I failed. I chickened out… my anxiety got the better of me and I just couldn’t face it.

I’m sure my neighbors are nice people (Except for you Sue and Bob I already know you guys are AWESOME and AMAZING!!!!)… But yeah, I’m sure they won’t be hurling insults my way as I walk down the street… well 98% sure, but the fear is there, and with that fear comes me breaking down into tears in my car because I’m too afraid to just get out of the car and walk around the damned block. How pathetic is that?!?!? The excuses came easily enough… I’m still in my work clothes, my ankles are sore from the walking back and forth I did at work, I’m hungry.. I’ll just eat first and then walk.. yadda yadd yadda, I’m good at excuses. But alas I did not walk around the block, even sitting here at my PC thinking about that moment when I thought I could, and I feel that fear.

What the hell is there to be afraid of, and why can’t I just suck it up and do it already? It’s a walk, that is IT.. a freaking walk, everyone does it, well most people do it. I see people walking up and down my street all the damned time, nothing bad ever happens to them. One foot in front of the other.. that’s IT.

Still I’m afraid.

Anyway.. so we’ll see what the doctor says, I’m guessing he may up my prescription of anti-depressants… I’m hoping for a referral to the Weight loss clinic at the Civic hospital, though that will cost a few thousand and I don’t have that kind of money.. but I’m sure I’ll find it from somewhere ( A.K.A I don’t want to die ),  I’m hoping for a referral for my inexplicably sore toe… which honestly I’m ready to just beg him to amputate. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a few hours without piercing debilitating pain shooting up my toe and spreading it’s pain around. I don’t think Mike can remember the last time we could cuddle without my kicking him at some point from my foot spasming from the pain. I’m really just hoping they chop it off… I know they won’t, I’m sure there is something equally disgusting and painful that they will do.. but that’s where I’m at right now. Trapped in a body of pain, layered in anxiety, wishing I could be anyone but myself.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll go on a walk. We’ll see.

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