In this world, nothing is certain. That’s pretty much the only thing that is guaranteed. Things will change, people will evolve… some will let you down, some will come out of nowhere and be the light at the end of the tunnel you didn’t even know you were in.
I’ve been in a tunnel for a long time… longer than I could have ever imagined, and you know what, I might still be in that tunnel somewhat… but I’m taking it day by day and getting better as we speak.
There is a song by the Barenaked Ladies that is awesome and My love has introduced me to it… it’s called Odds Are. Such an uplifting and positive song to have playing on loop inside your head. I highly recommend.
Looking back I’ve realized I haven’t always lived life to it’s full potential. I’ve lived in fear for so long… fear that has held me back, kept me from being the person I want to be. I am truly working towards changing this. It won’t happen overnight, and I know it sucks to be patient with me… especially when I’m freaking out just because I’m sitting by myself in a Tim Horton’s while My love is off to get drinks and someone happens to walk too close to me.
The truth is, I don’t like to be seen… I don’t like people knowing me, and I don’t like people looking at me, judging me. Don’t tell me you haven’t looked at a fat chick eating and wondered why the hell she can’t put down the bagel and go run around the block or something. Hell as much as it pains me to admit this, I’ve never lied on this blog, and I don’t intend to start now… I have been that person to giggle or wonder why someone was eating McDonald’s rather than going up the road to subway or something… Sometimes I hate myself for that… sometimes someone is wearing a leopard print unitard and I can’t help but laugh.
Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The point is, I don’t like people looking at me, or knowing I’m alive, or there… I like to be invisible, and sometimes the best way to attain invisibility is to be ugly and huge. People look passed the fat chick and let their eyes linger over the skinny blond with her tits hanging out and a gallon of war paint tacked onto her face. That is something I have to get over… See the thing is… as weirdly cocky as this is going to sound (because believe me I’m not cocky)… I think the skinny version of me is HOT.
I mean seriously babealicious. Have you SEEN what I used to look like? I was cute and curvy and hot like a hot tamale. I’d LOVE to look that way again… but before I can ever get there, I need to be OK with being seen. Am I ready for that? I have absolutely no idea… I am however, ready to feel as though I’m pretty enough to be seen on the arm of my amazing boyfriend, and pretty enough to be invited out with friends without being that ugly chick who just has to tag along because they felt bad for not inviting me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore…
Wow I’m really rambling here aren’t I. Basically I want you to be proud to be my friend. I want to be the person I know I am inside. And hell, compared to the odds of being struck by lightning or being mauled by a hot pink bikini wearing bear, (note my mad paint skills!), I’m probably not going to disintegrate from grabbing coffee with friends.
OK so my paint skills leave something to be desired… but putting pics into my blog has been something I’ve been DYING to do for ages, but couldn’t figure it out… mainly because I figured I’d suck at it so I didn’t even try… LOOK AT ME GO ! WOOOT Figured it out all by myself. Heck to the Fudge yeah!
Anyway, the point is.. no one is perfect, and in the end.. the odds are that we, will probably be, alright <3 SO get up and love today for what it was, and love tomorrow for the possibilities.