For anyone following my blog, you’ll know that I was excited about being off my meds. I made it a few weeks without any pharmaceutical aid, and it felt amazing. I felt like I had control over my emotions, that my anxiety was doing pretty OK, I hadn’t even had a hint of a panic attack in ages. Things were looking up, or so I thought.
Everything changed when my love lost his job. It’s not the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last one or the other of us has lost our job… tis the life of a temp in Canada. Employers don’t seem to want to hire people full time, I guess they are content with a revolving door of new temps who need training and time and by the time they are good at their jobs, the contract is up and it’s on to someone new.
That’s been our life for 5 years now. Normally it’s me who is out of work between contracts frantically looking for jobs, but for the last 2 years it’s been him.
When we found out his most recent contract was coming to an end, it hit me HARD. I’m still reeling from it. We knew it was coming, but when they finally said it’s over, it felt like it came out of left field and we’d forgotten our catching mitts at home. I wanted to be strong for him, I wanted to be the rock he could lean on…. instead, because of my arrogance at going off my meds, I fell apart, and it was him having to hold me while I wept.
Shortly thereafter my body fell apart, and I caught the cold to end all colds, I missed almost a week of work, lost my voice, felt like my head and my chest were going to explode, and was basically useless while he took care of me. When he needed me most, I fell apart. And that is something I can never take back. That is something that I have to own up to, and make up for.
I am back on my medication, I’ve gained a bit of weight from that I think as nothing in my diet or lifestyle has changed except going back on my meds… and the very best part of it all, is that I feel like I’ve had PMS for weeks now, full blown crazy hormonal PMS. I cry over everything…. EVERYTHING, there was an internet meme about a cute kitten and it made me cry. If I didn’t know any better I would think I was pregnant… but I’ve taken too many precautions for that to be the case and I’m also “enjoying” my monthly friend, so no folks, I am not pregnant… I just seem to be trapped in perma-pms… and even worse then that, is that this “pms” is worse then I’ve ever had it. Munchy cravings all the time, mood swings constantly, I’ve turned into someone who wants to snuggle 24/7 and when my love isn’t there to help me feel better I feel like my heart is breaking, which is stupid because we haven’t broken up… he’s simply going pee.
To say that I’m mad at my brain right now, would be an understatement. I can look at the feelings I’m having and see how illogical they are…. however that doesn’t make the pain I’m feeling any less real.
I know once my meds regulate me again I’ll be in a better place, and that all this up and down will eventually come to an end. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it frustrates me to think I’m trapped on these pills for the rest of my life. I really thought I could get off of them, I thought I’d be OK without them. But these last few weeks have shown me that I need them in my life, and I’m not sure if I will ever be OK without them.
At least I can accept that, and move on. Though it’s a tough pill to swallow (HA did you see what I did there? Tough PILL get it? hahah)…. <– Yeah I’m special.
It also doesn’t help that my surgery is fast approaching, right before my 29th birthday. A) The thought of being in intense pain for my birthday sucks… but probably worse than that B) They are operating on my sore toe… this evil toe that has hurt every moment of every day since I was a child. I don’t remember having a day without pain… I can’t remember that far back. The thought of them putting a needle into that toe that I can barely carress with the tip of my finger without screaming is causing my brain to go nearly into hysterics… The knowledge that the last time I was “frozen” to have an abscess removed… the freezing wore off and I felt EVERY CUT OF THAT KNIFE… leaves me terrified. I have to trust a doctor whom I barely know, and nurses I’ve never met, to take care of a toe that I never let anyone touch because of how badly it hurts. I’m already feeling anxiety over this, and a surgery I’ve been looking forward to has now turned into a day that I come close to having a full blown panic attack over just by looking at the date on the calendar. October 7th is coming too fast y’all. I know in the end I will be happy I did this (if it actually works… the doctor is 95% sure it will fix the pain… however there is still 5% chance it won’t, and then I won’t even have a nail anymore to protect it so it may in fact make it worse…. GAH)
Anyway this is just my brain puking out a bunch of words because my love is off on a coffee adventure eagerly awaiting the midnight release of GTA V and I’m home and my brain doesn’t shut off when I’m alone, so I figured I’d post and see if it helped (It did).
Now I’m off to curl up with my Kobo Mini (which my amazing Mommy got me for Christmas last year) and lose myself in another place, another time, and allow my body and mind more time to heal.
It’ll get better. It always does. And in the mean time, I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other.