The things that I’ve noticed..

First let me preface this by saying “May the 4th be with you”… Yes I’m a ball of cheese. You know you love it
As some of you know, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster the last little while. Lately I have days where it feels as though my depression is winning this battle and I have a hard time seeing the point in trying. Those are dark days, and thankfully are few and far between. Having such amazing people in my life helps me to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, and realize that I am worth the effort I am putting into Me right now. As weird as that is to say, it’s true. I have a very hard time thinking of myself, or my health.. I’m always so consumed with making everyone around me happy, or trying to fix all the problems of everyone, that often times my own needs go very much ignored.
Because of this, I’ve decided to write a post about the positive changes I have seen in myself since starting this journey. Please feel free to add anything in the comments you would like to share as well, whether it be changes in your own self along your journey, or changes you’ve noticed in me through blog posts/in person etc. I’d love to hear how everyone’s doing today!
1) I don’t feel like I’m about to die when I lie down! Huge bonus. My breathing has gotten better while trying to go to sleep, which means other than snoring and keeping poor Mike awake I’ve been getting better nights rest and waking up feeling more rejuvenated.
2) My stretch marks seem to be fading. Ugly truth time? I have stretch marks on my stomach, back, legs, arms, boobs, lower back/butt, behind my knees. Frankly I find myself disgusting… but on the positive side all stretch marks seem to have faded to their lightest version (white scar tissue rather than screaming purple grossness
3) I feel prettier. I’m not sure if I AM prettier lol… but I feel like I am. I’ve noticed myself wanting to wear Makeup sometimes again, or wanting to experiment with my hair, or putting on a necklace or adding perfume.. All things I figured were useless for the longest time because why bother trying to look more polished when you’re dealing with shit to begin with.. Shiny shit, is still just shit.. but now , well now I feel like some days I’m actually worth the extra effort/time it takes to beautify myself lol.
4) Walking UP stairs is a lot easier! I still have a really hard time walking DOWN the stairs, I don’t understand the physics of it, but my ankles give out more often while going down the stairs.. going up the stairs my ankles don’t often hurt at all anymore! That is a huge improvement for me so *Happy Dances*
5) OH! That leads me to 5… I actually dance around like a mad fool now LMAO. Sure I’m still self conscious about the fact that I Jiggle while I wiggle my body around, but not so much so that I won’t do it. Hell some of my best dance moves comes from my random bursts of hyper-ness while cooking or cleaning or just walking down the hall lol. What can I say, sometimes a girl’s just gotta dance! (I’m so ghey lol)
6) I found myself looking at a dress the other day at Wal-Mart… and if it weren’t for the fact that I’m broke as all get out I would have bought it. That plus leggings and I’m ready for the summer. To those who know me… know that I NEVER wear dresses or shorts or anything that is remotely revealing of my body if I can at all avoid it. (Note.. this does not include my boobs.. as my best round delicious feature I don’t mind showing me some cleavage once in awhile as it attracts attention away from all the parts of me I hate lol… Boobs are awesome! *Hugs to all the boobs out there*)
7) I’m actually eager for warmer weather because I can’t WAIT to get out and go on nature walks, or play Frisbee or attempt catch lol. This time last year I was praying for a cold rainy crap summer so that no one would ever want to go outside and I could continue hibernating… now? I’m on the lookout for a bathing suit and eagerly waiting for my first hike!
Unless I’m currently stressing over something that is happening right this second… I am feeling less and less sad on a regular basis. It used to be that I would always have this aching sadness around my heart, and I wasn’t sure if it would ever get better. I was pretty good at hiding it, but it was always there. Now? Not so much. I’m not sure if it’s simply because of the Prozac I’m on, or if it’s because I’m actually working at making things better but either way I find myself able to be alone in my own thoughts and be content with who I am and what I am. It’s still a work in progress, but it is by far better than it used to be <3 9) I’m less paranoid and annoying. My brain has this issue with over analyzing everything that anyone says or does etc. I can’t ever turn my brain off.. and it’s normally been an evil enemy counteracting everything good in my life. for instance someone would say “Oh you look awesome today” Instead of being like WOOT I look great.. my brain would be like “umm wait, does this mean this person thinks I look horrible most days? Or why did they say that.. do they want something from me? *thinks back* do they owe me anything and are trying to weasel out of it… What is their motive in this comment? Why am I caring what their motive is… Why say that NOW? Are they hiding something from me” And so on and so forth. Truly evil brain. I feel horrible for Mike, as I used to be unable to let go… Ever. He’d be out with friends and in the back of my brain I’d be SURE that he was cheating on me somehow.. or he’d be going for coffee and my brain would wonder if strippers were involved and if I should hate him for doing that behind my back… Truly I hated myself for even having these thoughts as I knew with the sane part of my brain that they were unfounded… but I could not turn it off. Now? Not only was I OK with him going to a strip club for our friends Bachelor party.. but I enjoyed hearing about it! I also don’t call him 24/7 if he’s out with his friends, and I trust him not to be cheating on me or doing drugs or whatever else my brain used to assume he was doing constantly lol. In fact I encourage him to go out and have bro nights because I love me some Alone time, where I can watch all my shows that he doesn’t enjoy. I have an amazing boyfriend. The love of my life.. and I’m so thankful that my brain is finally able to realize that too lol. Just because most of my ex’s were douche bags doesn’t mean my love is one too. The more I hang out with my guy friends, and the longer I’m with Mike.. the more I see that not all guys are evil. I just had really shit luck most of my life lol. where are we? Oh yes 10) <– !!! I made it to a whole 10 things I see as positive changes in myself! Recently I found a list that I’d written about all the things that were wrong with me. And going over that list, I realized that almost none of them apply to how I feel anymore. That in and of itself, is the biggest improvement. I’m learning how to re-train my brain and focus on the positive.. I’m getting better, one baby step at a time. And I truly, honestly could NOT be doing this without all the love and support I’ve received from all of my amazing friends and family. I will never know how to repay everyone for the support I am getting, nor will I ever succeed in putting it into words how much your support means to me. But through this blog I’ll keep trying. One day at a time, one word at a time. I’ll be OK. <3 Much love!

Comments 4

  • I’ve noticed a huge change in you and your attitude since we met back when you and Mike got together.

    You’re a much more fun person to be around, and you are much happier and less stressed out about silly things.

    Believe me you are a very different from those days, and it shows tremendously!

    • I’m so happy! In those days I was all over the place emotionally. I have no idea how Mike stuck with me, or how I stuck with him, or how anyone could stand to be around me LOL. 4 years later, and a lot of personal growth and I’m so happy that the changes are showing 😛

      I’ve pushed too many people away accidentally over the years through my own insanity and I just truly honestly hope that I never do it again. You and Jenn are the BEST 😀 I’m so happy to have you both in my life <3

  • that’s my girl and maybe some of what you are doing will motivate me.

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