I am fat.
I am fat… I… Am… Fat.
It’s a fact of life, that I’m coming to terms with slowly. Don’t worry, coming to terms with, does not mean I’m accepting it as my lot in life, I’m just slowly being able to drop the veil that kept me in denial for years. I saw it coming, but I never really believed it, if that makes sense. I used to think I was fat, when in reality I was just slightly overweight.. curvy… voluptuous. Hell looking back at myself I think I was pretty. *sigh*, so how did I get here. Well reading back through my blog I see the struggle and the journey and the hardships I’ve had launched my way and have lived through. Hell in some respects I have no idea how I even made it to today, and other times I feel so blessed I don’t know why I could ever doubt my ability to make it through whatever hurdle life is about to launch my way.
Anyway, times are changing, and now I’m just waiting for a call to embark on the next leg of my journey which will hopefully lead me down a road back to a happier healthier me.
I had my information session at the hospital weight loss clinic after many months of being wait-listed… the result is, I will be going on either a 6 or 12 week fast under strict doctors orders (doc decides which I go on) where I’ll lose up to 20% of my current body mass. I’ll also have group counseling, behavior modification therapy to help me make better choices when my triggers arise , a nutritionist, and a dietician. Once a week I will go to a 3 hour meeting which will consist of the first portion being general chat + weigh in and individual doctor sessions.. next part is the part where I learn how to A) make the essential life changes and acquire the skills I need to thrive and carry the weight loss all the way through. B) Have the help I’ll need to cope with the stress of not eating for 12 weeks. I will be on a shake diet… the thought of not eating for 12 weeks is terrifying… but at the same time, I’m already afraid to not be on the shake diet anymore. When the choice is out of my hands, I just have to follow the simple 4 shakes a day diet… I won’t have to think about food, or worry about portion sizes, or forcing myself to eat something I’m not in the mood for because I only ever seem to be in the mood for things that are horrible for me (i.e my love of nachos that I could eat 7 days a week sometimes). I almost wish I could just stay on that for life and have like 1 day a week where I’m allowed to “cheat” and have whatever my heart desires. Though I’m sure I’ll learn how to be better during my meetings.
I’m not sure how I’ll afford it as the cost of the treatment is 1400$ which doesn’t sound like much, except for the fact that our car is making strange noises and I have a feeling purchasing a car in the near future is in store, and who knows what else life will throw at us, I’m still a temp, my love is still laid off.. it’s not like we’re financially healthy.. but I don’t care if it puts me 1400 more into debt, I need to do this, and I’m not going to let the cost scare me away… besides the gov’t is already paying for part which brings the cost down from about 4000$! If you care to donate to the GET SHANNON SKINNY fund, by all means donate to me 😉 LOL I accept paypal, checks and cash! haha. (jk but if you want to i won’t stop you LOL)
I’m eagerly waiting for my phone to ring… I may lose patience and call the hospital back if I don’t hear from them soon and beg them to stop prolonging my wait .I want to get started.. I don’t want to have too much time to over-thing and let my anxiety turn me into a chicken and think about the cost and find a way to get scared and back out. I want to DO THIS… I want to be healthy.. I want to be able to look at myself and not want to vomit… I want to be able to go shopping and not be embarrassed. I want to feel beautiful again, and happy in my own skin. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there, but this program is the best shot I have so I’m taking it and I’ll need all of your support to help me through, I’ll need all the love and hugs i can get to keep me going when I’m crying because I miss eating, or when I hit a plateau and still haven’t lost enough to reach my goal, or if I lose too fast and end up with access skin and feel even more self conscious about that (it’s one of my biggest fears of weight loss)… I’ll need you. I’ve always been here for everyone and anyone who’s needed me, and I simply ask that while I go through this process:
Please forgive my bitchy days, my crying bouts and my inevitable rants about how much I miss food, or nachos…
Please hug me through my self loathing, my doubts, my fear that nothing I do will be enough to make my love myself.
Please Love me when I’m not strong enough to love myself. And when I try to push you away, hold me tighter and tell me I’m awesome.
I hope I don’t fall into despair, I hope I can stay upbeat and positive… but the fact is I’m facing a hard road and I’m not sure how I will react. I’ll need all the support I can get. I’ve been warned already that this road will come with intolerance to cold (during winter… yay), mood swings, dizziness, tiredness, hair loss (which will eventually grow back once I’m done the rapid weight loss portion… but still I may have massive bald spots soon! I know I’ll be shedding tears if I see myself get uglier as opposed to prettier), possible gall stones, and a few others but those were the ones that stuck in my brain. I’m in for a bumpy road, and I honestly have no idea how my moods will be during it.
Doing my best to pave the way to an easy ride and smooth sailing. I want to go through this happy and upbeat and filling this blog with motivation and good cheer… but the truth is, I have no idea how I’ll do. I know I’m going to do this program full hog and lose as much weight as humanly possible while I have this amazing opportunity…. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain my good cheer while doing that LOL.