Trying to be normal

Normal is such a strange word… What exactly does it mean to be “normal”. For the most part, I find normality boring and something to avoid. I like being quirky and unique. I enjoy being able to embrace the parts of me that don’t necessarily conform to standard society. Being normal is boring…

But when it comes to food, I’m trying… I really am. Based on all the info given out in classes, and talks with the behaviorist and nutritionist and everyone in between… I’m doing my best to be normal. Am I successful? Meh, I have no idea. I think so … but only in the sense that everyone struggles and no one really knows what to do with themselves… OK some people are lucky and seem to just “know”… but alas I am not one of those people, so here I am, stuck with you in the mire, mucking about.

Can I just say that it is frustrating as all hell that I can gain weight in the blink of an eye, but losing it is nearly impossible. This week I have tried my best to ignore the anxiety and just be “normal”… and according to my scale, that means I’ve gained 2 lbs. Chances are it’s NOT from muscle mass replacing fat mass… but that is my current hope LOL. Tuesday will be the official weigh in, so I’m going to “stay the course” and be “normal” and we’ll see what the scale says come Tuesday. I am trying to walk more to balance out the increase in food since I’ve stopped starving myself… but I think this week will be a bust weight wise. You have been warned.

So starting Wednesday (the end of my “weight week”), what will be my new normal. Clearly living like I have this week hasn’t done much good if the scale is anything to judge by. Which means I will be back to drinking only water for the most part, back to planning my food forever in advance and analyzing every bite that passes my lips…. It means being less normal.

I must admit I am disappointed in myself – Not because of the gain, that’s a normal part of the process… but because I was unable to allow myself to enjoy food again AND still lose the weight. I am sure come Wed, I will find ways to enjoy food again while still losing… I am sure eventually a balance will be struck between my mental state and my stomach/taste buds…. for me, life is all about finding that balance. Until then however, I have to confess to being bummed out. I love food, I love the taste of delicious food… I love eating… it’s part of why it became such a great comfort to me when I was at my worst… and also how it became my biggest crutch / contributing factor towards ill-health. Food and I haven’t found a way to coexist in peace yet, and that bothers me. Though I am sure in time I’ll find that balance… this state of flux can’t last forever right?!?!?!

SO with that said… I think I’m going to end this post on a high note (because ending sounding like a gloomy Gus just isn’t my style yo… and seriously I’m not THAT upset… just disappointed) OK Ready for the high note????

I am currently sitting here in PJ pants that I have held on to simply because I liked the colour… but I haven’t fit into for years. HECK YA!!!! I kinda look like a crazy hobo atm, messy bun, old faded pj pants, and yes I just realized the tank top I’ve been wearing ALL DAY is inside out…. But said tank top is SWIMMING on me (and it used to be tight in the belly region) and the pants fit, and before I was lucky if I could get them passed my knees… So really, when it comes down to it… I had a week of giving myself a break from stressing about food. I enjoyed the hell out of some tasty dishes AND even got to sample some cake. I gained some weight… not the end of the word, I’ll lose those 2 lbs again you just wait and see!

Back to the grind… not such a bad grind though… The nutritionist was impressed with how well I’ve been doing and likes my food choices (Well the ones I was making before this week “off” from my strict behavior LOL) SO I revert back to how I was, which wasn’t so bad really… and my trek down the slippery slope will eventually stop. The important thing to notice here, is that I noticed my slip, and am taking steps to correct it. Insert all the happy dances and booty shakes here!

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