So Tuesday was now dubbed “Turn it up Tuesdays” and as the title suggests, I indeed turned it up and shook my groove thang LOL. Felt silly but at least I got the bathroom upstairs scrubbed, made a healthy supper AND had legs that felt like jelly afterward. One more step forward!
Today is Wednesday, and Mike and I dubbed it “Walk, Waddle, or Dodge a Wrench Wednesdays”… so tonight we plan to take a walk. A small walk mind you. The plan is just go to around the block once. If i’m able to handle more I can do more… but I’m planning for something I know I can manage first.
To be honest… I’m kind of terrified. The thought of walking around my block, neighbors could possibly SEE me.. walking… my face all red and splotchy, my breathing crap, my body all jiggly and gross. My anxiety is definately hitting the high scales whenever I think about it. I don’t want people to see me. I know at the same time though, that I’ll never be able to confront these fears unless I meet them head on. I also know that I’ll have Mike with me, so I’ve got my rock there. But I’m still terrified.
When I was younger, and thinner, I would go for walks (mainly because I was too young to drive LOL) and people would drive by, horrible people.. They would yell things out the car at me. Seriously what makes someone think they have the right to yell such horrible things at someone? I’d be walking up the street minding my own business, only to have some douche drive by and yell FATSO at me or lard @ss, or that I should go kill myself cause I was so ugly, or that I walked like a duck.. Once I was walking over a bridge (and this happened only 2 years ago), and someone drove by encouraging me to jump! SERIOUSLY Who does that!!?!?!? I’ve had all the swear words you can think of yelled at me.. all while walking. And now I just don’t want to be seen, by anyone.
People can be cruel, I will never understand.
So there you go.. I am 27 years old, and afraid to walk around the block. I feel like a fool. I just want to hide.
But I won’t. I’ve committed myself to making these changes, and so tonight, come hell or high-water.. I’m going to walk around the damned block with Mike. I’ll walk, I’ll waddle.. and if anyone tries to call me a name, I’ll try my best to dodge it and not let it effect my progress. My legs will feel like jelly, my face will look like crap.. and my breathing won’t be great. But that will all get better the more I try, the more I pratice, and the longer I go.
Happy Hump day y’all. Thanks for reading <3