Honesty time? I’ve been doing really well lately, so of course just as I thought maybe I was normal, my brain would turn into a “C” word.
I’m not sure what brought on the urge, I wasn’t hungry, or sad, or stressed out or angry… I just really, really REALLY wanted to eat… everything. It’s as if there is a little monster inside of my brain that wants me to stay fat and disabled and gross for the rest of my life. Here I am, smiling, losing weight, thinking I’ve got a handle on this freaking disorder finally, and out of the blue it whacks me over the head and all I can think about is how amazing it would feel to devour everything in sight.
Tonight it happened while I was trying to put Mike back to sleep, he’s been having migraines since his dental surgery and they wake him up, so while I sat in bed rubbing his temples, hoping to ease his pain so he could get a few hours of rest before work, the intrusive thoughts start to worm their way in. At first it was just day dreaming about how delicious chips would be, how I haven’t had them in ages, then ooooh maybe a pastry, or WAIT OMG what about nachos, or pizza, or pie… maybe eggs, or cereal, but also cheese, or carrots, or celery and cheese whiz, or cookies, rice, also what about that meal I had years ago.. what was the name of it? AHHHHHHHH on and on and on it went. Sugar plums dancing in my head. Eventually it got to the point where I felt like I may be sick if I didn’t eat something right this second… even though I had just finished supper not 30 minutes earlier, and prior to these thoughts popping in, I was satisfied, not full, not hungry, but satisfied, exactly as you’re supposed to be after a meal. My stomach (the traitor) was now sending signals to my brain that I was STARVING and needed to eat ALL THE THINGS or I would die. I felt dizzy, shaky, my body, the bitch, was doing everything it it’s power to convince me that I needed food… and not just some food, I needed a lot of food, and I needed it now. Don’t think Shannon, just eat, it will all feel better soon, just close your eyes and everything will be alright.
And so I left the bedroom, and grabbed a non-fat fudgscicle
Maybe this means that my body is getting used to the dosage of the medication I am on that curbs my urge to binge, or maybe this is a fluke.. all I know is that this is the first time since I started my new medication that I have felt this way, and it is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. Normally (and by normally I mean, in the past when this was normal behavior for me) a binge generally happened because of some strong emotion, whether it be anger, sadness, anxiety, stress etc… Tonight wasn’t like that. I was happy, warm, and cuddled up in bed snug as a bug with no where I would have rather been in the world. Tonight was A-typical behavior for my disorder, at least historically speaking, so it is something I am going to have to watch out for now.
Is this my new normal? Random bouts of my cravings washing over me like a tidal wave blocking out everything but the base urge to eat for survival, and doing whatever it can to convince me that I am actually in that moment starving to death. I mean, lets be honest here… I could probably stop eating altogether and last a full year before I starved to death.. there’s enough blubber to feed a family on this body, but you wouldn’t know it based on how I feel inside.
My doctor says this is normal. (lovely…) That I am like a smoker trying to quit cigarettes… except I can never actually stop smoking said cigarettes because to quit fully would be a whole other disorder with a whole other set of medical concerns.
Anyhooo, typing has helped to keep my hands occupied which is one of the coping mechanisms that I’ve been taught to employ, so Go Team! I still want to eat everything in this house right now, but I am feeling a little bit more in control of myself now, and less afraid that I will give in to the urge.
Now if only my body could see the effort I am putting into trying to be a normal person, and take pity on me and lose a crap load of weight before the wedding, that’d be awesome LOL
So far I’m holding at 6 lbs gone, but I’ll take it, as long as they don’t come back.