This weekend was wonderful! The weather was beautiful and while yes I did play a lot of WOW, it was while I was resting from being outside! This weekend I started the spring clean up of the yard and I’m so excited! Loads of it will have to wait until the ground isn’t so soggy…. but what I did makes me happy. One more step forward! My body felt like Jell-O and it made the sitting on my butt playing wow feel like a reward rather than a way to kill time.
As for St. Patty’s day, I spent it at home relaxing. We’d gone out Friday which was AWESOME but I was really just in the mood to stay at home and be a bump on a log.. And so that is exactly what we did. Had a BBQ last night, well not like a hosted party.. but I made ribs for Mike and my bro. YUM!
I’ve been avoiding the scales, but I know that I feel better than I used to. Not by leaps and bounds.. but subtle things. One step forward and I’ll win this race yet. I’m still struggling awfully hard with the anxiety though. I’m not sure why, but I still pray to not be seen by neighbors. I just don’t want them to know I’m there. I was in my backyard picking up some branches and what not and heard my neighbors in theirs and froze. I stopped and stood still for a good few minutes not sure what I should do. Do I turn around and go back inside and hope to hell they do the same so I can go out again later? Or do I continue doing yard work and hope they don’t talk to me or see me. I know I look horrible when working out, even if that work out is yard work. My asthma makes it so that the colour drains from my face, well except for the random red blotches :S My breathing is ragged and I’m limping around. It looks like you’d think I was running a marathon, and all I’m doing is shoveling some leaves into a bag. It’s humiliating, and I just wish I lived in the country where no one could see me.
Being that I’ve been working hard at trying to overcome this, I stayed outside. I filled up one bag with leaves and branches and what not.. and Even went into the front yard at one point to inspect the wood under our windows to try and gauge what will need to be done to them. The whole time my heart raced.. the whole time I prayed no one would see me.. but at least I did it. At least I tried.. right?
My nacho craving has subsided.. well for the most part. I don’t crave it 24/7… but I still can’t kick this anxiety in the butt. I’ll keep trying, keep pushing forward. I think that if I keep forcing myself outside, where people can see.. and have nothing bad happen. It’ll help me overcome my irrational fears. All I know is that I wish there was a giant fence around my property so no one would ever see or hear me. Maybe one day I’ll be OK.