The title says it all folks, this is my current dilemma.
No, I’m not talking about whether or not to be a Bridezilla… I am fairly confident based on my bridal party’s reactions that I am the anti-zilla, probably to the point of annoyance (Sorry guys)… What I mean is:
Do I come to terms with being a “Fat Bride” and find a way to embrace it, and my body, and accept that I won’t look like what the vision in my brain says I will.
Do I fight like hell to be a.. well I’m not sure what word to us.. a “Less-Fat Bride” <-- There is no way in hell I could lose enough in 6 months to be skinny. So here is where I stand. Go back on Optifast, or find some kind of insanely low cal diet (both of which aren't the healthiest of ways to loose weight) just so that my own body image feels better the day of. OR continue to plug away at it, knowing that I may look exactly as I do today (so a blob of fat) in my wedding photos. As much as I've longed for the wedding to be here for years, even before I was engaged.. now that it is real, I am terrified that I will be miserable looking back because of how fat I am. So am currently dealing with feelings of self hatred and anger at the weight gain I had after Optifast. Part of me says, it happened, so move on.. you're doing good now and haven't gained anything in months and have even lost 3 lbs. The other part of me says a few months to loose 3 lbs is pathetic and I'm failing at life pretty hard right now. Honestly at this point, I wish I could just move away to some isolated island for a year with no one to talk to, and no job, and no responsibilities and nothing to do but focus on myself. Right now, there is so much on the go in both my professional and work lives that I feel like a hamster running around in a little wheel, never actually getting anywhere. I'm up to my eyeballs and sinking quickly.. the last thing I have time for is to add more to my plate. Anyway, that is my dilemma. My heart wants to be the smaller version of me by the wedding, and my brain is saying that is impossible and I need to find a way to just suck it up.