I have to say, tonight has been…. weird, for lack of a better word.
So far tonight, I’ve had a bit of a mini breakdown and a bit of a pity party including but not limited to: Creating a new Facebook account, deleting said Facebook account, removing countless people from my current Facebook account, crying a bit at the loss of friendships that I maybe never really had to begin with, introspective wondering on what is wrong with me that I push so many people away… then thinking maybe it’s just the way life works, people grow apart, it happens… then remembering the words of so many who have declared me a horrible evil vile person (my own father, brother, old friends, ex-best friends included)… I got to thinking that if so many people over so many years have told me I was a horrible person, that perhaps it is true.
Cue more crying… and my love being the most kind and understanding wonderful person while he held me and kissed me and informed me that I was in fact not an evil bitch.
This then brought on an urge to write, and that turned into me finding an old story I had started, merging it into the new story I started, stepping back and saying Hmmm maybe this works – reading it out loud to my love.. finding out he likes it… then I started to sing, and dance as he played old songs from the 80’s, then some from the 90’s, and basically it’s been hard to concentrate on writing while I’ve been singing at the top of my lungs and enjoying the night.
Tonight has been weird. A roller-coaster ride for sure, but one that I’ve come to enjoy. The tears were necessary.. I deleted some people from my Facebook today that I’ve known forever it seems, some friends I had in High school, that sure I’ll wonder what they’re up to from time to time, but I just felt like it was time to cut the ties and move forward. Sometimes you just have to cry over what you’ve lost, even if you lost it a long time ago.
I have been taking great steps to move forward this past year, and I’m proud of all that I’ve accomplished. It is my hopes that I’ll be medically cleared to start at the gym soon and then hopefully my body will show what my soul has been feeling lately.
I’m still not on my anti-depressents, and I’ve been managing to keep my anxiety in check… My life right now is like a Work in Progress. One day at a time I’m making it happen. Who knows, maybe now that I’ve given myself permission to write again, and to start enjoying all of the things that used to be so much a part of who I was, everything else will slowly click into place. I’ll mend my broken body, I’ll heal my shattered soul, and I’ll find my way back to Me.
Don’t forget, when there’s something going wrong… you must whip it 😉
Whip it good!