In more ways than one, life has been hectic and stressful for me for the last 2 months, and frankly I was hoping it would have slowed down by now… but that isn’t the case. My steam has long since run out, and now I’m running on fumes.
The end result has been an atrociously messy house, fast food or just crappy food that can be made fast, a lot of staring off into the distance when I get home unable to think clearly, and the constant urge to curl up into a ball and hide until I’ve had enough time to recover.
Personal life: In an effort to keep maintaining the progress I have made regarding my social anxiety, I try to make sure to see human beings outside of my house on a weekly basis. Sometimes this is just a coffee, sometimes it’s a quick visit with my bestie and my Godson. Sometimes it’s getting together with a group of people.. whatever the case I am trying to keep that up. From the outside it would see like the obvious choice and an easy thing to drop (and it is… trust me). But if I do that, if I give in and go back into hiding, refusing to make plans, refusing to be social, I know that it will be a slippery slope back into the cave, and it will take years to crawl back out to where I am now. So nope.. I can’t drop that.. I’ve cut back, but I can’t stop being social just because it is the easiest thing to let go.
Work life: This has been undergoing major changes. New system, new forms to fill out, new directives. It can be very confusing, and it’s my job to help people navigate it. Under normal circumstances this would be totally fine and I’d have zero problem doing this job.. however the people I’m helping seem to be allergic to reading and get mad when they don’t understand. So now I essentially get hate mail Monday to Friday. They don’t want to hear that I have no power or control, I am the front line, so it is therefore my fault. #Dislike
Weight Loss: Honestly, between work and life, I haven’t had time (scratch that.. I haven’t prioritized this to make time) to try. The last few weeks have been insane, and its’ all I can do to make it from the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed. Hell I haven’t even done groceries this week because the thought of adding that to my list of things to do causes a panic attack. So that progress has halted.
Health: While having fun with my life and the insanity therein, my health has also been wonky lately…. maybe from all the stress… I developed a massive golf ball sized cyst on my neck. Drove to the doctors in a snow storm to have it looked at only to find out that I was close to become sceptic. Cue antibiotics and the doc telling me there’s nothing more he can do because the cyst is pressing up against a major artery and if the needle or scalpel slipped I’d bleed out.. So to get it drained I have to go to the ER, but that I can’t go yet because the cyst is still too deep into my neck for them to get at without putting my life at risk by having to slice so deep into my neck.. unless I want to have an actual surgery. which I did not. So antibiotics and hot compresses it is. They worked for the most part. The cyst came to the surface and has mostly drained on it’s own. I still have a bit of a bump, and no more antibiotics, but the bump get’s smaller every day, so fingers crossed I won’t have to go have my neck sliced open to drain the remainder. With that said, the antibiotics have turned my girlie bits into a bread maker and I have the mother of all yeast infections now… so that’s been fun.. if by fun you mean the idea of sticking fiber glass in your crotch sounds like a good time. And on top of all of that just the general feeling of being run down and burnt out on a regular basis. I wake up tired, I work tired, I go to bed tired.. that is the only mode I have. If I look awake or happy, it’s more than likely because I am acting that way so as not to ruin our coffee date or be a downer.
So that’s life right now, and clearly I am doing a shit job at handling it. The wedding is fast approaching and I have a lot of weight to loose if I want to feel pretty in my dress, and it’s looking more and more likely that I will end up hating the way I look at my own wedding and be miserable.. so yay for that :S
Here’s to hoping I can figure something out soon,