For those who know me…. and any strangers there may be floating around I haven’t met yet… if you’ve followed my blog you know that I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder. As a result my transition to food, is extra scary.
By Goddess after 3 months of not having a sample of anything but my Chocolate Optifast shakes I was sure the second food hit my mouth I would relapse and
Today is Friday, I have been eating since Wednesday night… and so far so good *Knock on wood*. I can’t lie and say the cravings are tolerable… or that I think I’m cured forever… or even that I think I can make it through the week. I’m taking this thing one meal at a time. So far the way I’ve been able to combat the urges is to A) Make sure I never eat alone… and B) Make sure I weigh out my portions on my food scale… I’ve been known to make HUGE portions for myself thinking it was a normal size… my eyes lie all the damned time.
When it comes down to it, I don’t trust myself around food. Part of me is SOOOO ready to eat because after 3 months of not having anything but my shakes I would club a baby seal for something that tastes different… something I can CHEW… But at the same time.. I’ve done REALLY well when I took food out of the equation. Sure it took awhile to slip into the groove… and while waiting to find that groove I wanted to cry more often than not, but I got there.. and really… it got to a point where my shakes were a source of comfort. Hmm it’s meal time.. Goes to kitchen, makes shake, drinks shake, leaves kitchen. DONE. No thinking required, no chance to make a poor choice…. no ability to binge on it.. OMG I added too much water…. wait nm I needed more water, so really I just helped myself YAY. Seriously, it was impossible to fuck up. And now here I am… back to preparing meals.
Have I done good? You bet your butt I have… But that doesn’t mean I don’t fear tomorrow. I’m always afraid of the next meal.. will this be the time I go too far.. Will that bite break my resolve… will I go back to how I was? And recently a new fear has cropped up…. Will I go from one extreme (Binging) to the other (Starving)… will my fear of consuming real food lead to me not being able to carry on the healthy choices I know how to make. That fear popped up after I looked at this meal (Last night’s supper)and worry that I was eating too much. Do you want to know what was in that bowl? 2 lettuce leaves, 1 Italian tomato, 3 spears of cucumbers, 6 thinly sliced eggplant “chips”, a table spoon of green onion, 1 oz of cheese, 2 oz of lean boneless skinnless chicken, and 2 tbl spoons of salsa. I was afraid.. and still worry.. that THAT was too much food. I’m supposed to be having a cup of vegetables a day this week… so according to the cup I shoved stuff in, that was it (except the lettuce leaves because even chopped up they were fluffy and frilly and did not want to conform… but I figure it’s lettuce, it can’t be that bad.. and I only had 2 leaves of it).
This morning I woke up and said SHIT… I spent the night stressing over a cup of veg and carefully weighed out protein options that my book has allowed. What the hell man? I’m afraid that if I continue to stress like this, I’ll eventually go to the opposite scale from what I was… The only thing that keeps me thinking this can’t ever happen to me, is the fact that I genuinely love food. I couldn’t give it up…. but that leads me to bulimia. That’s a road I don’t want to go down… but it’s a road my brain is telling me I could go down if I’m not careful. I want to lose the rest of this weight so badly. I’ve been such a good girl, I’ve had my shakes, lost nearly 60 lbs…. I want to keep going. I know on program I will be OK…. but program doesn’t last forever.
I’m standing before you now… to tell you I’m afraid. Food terrifies me. As much as I adore it, and the novelty of eating hasn’t yet worn off… I still swear it’s orgasmic to have so much flavour explode in your mouth with each bite….. But a part of me, in the darkest corner of my mind… wishes I could just never eat again, or purge the food I will eat… until I’m the right size.
And I know that is NOT OK. So here I am, asking you to watch over me… if I start to look like I’m skipping meals, or if I start making bathroom trips to puke… or if I just … start to slip.. in whatever direction… Please catch me. I don’t want to hurt myself….. but I don’t want to be fat anymore either.