So last night I lived somewhat of a social experiment. This was not my intended goal of the night, however it really taught me a valuable lesson.
Last night I stood on Elgin street until shortly after 2AM. My super awesome friend has a sausage cart, he owns the business with his father who is just as amazing. I heart these two. Anyway after a coffee hang out, we all somehow decided to go downtown to get some of their sausage and basically just to continue hanging out like the cool people that we are lol.
This was not what I had in mind when I first got out there…. and so of course I had no make up on, was wearing sweat pants and I highly doubt I could have looked less attractive if I’d tried lol. When I set out of the evening I had thought we’d just be doing a mini coffee hang out with friends, no big deal, then going home and crawling into bed. My frame of mind was to absorb all the comfort I could and since I was with friend that I love and trust 100% I didn’t feel the need to look like a painted doll just to drink some coffee LOL That isn’t who I am.
However with that said.. I give too much of a shit. Everyone I know is always trying to teach me to just not give a shit. Apparently I give too much of a shit.
When we first got downtown and I was standing on Elgin street waiting for my friends super awesome Daddy to make me a sausage my heart just about exploded it was beating so fast. I felt crushed by the “crowd” of drunk people (at this point it was 4 well-behaved, though clearly drunk, men) I couldn’t unclench my hand, my back was spasming from every muscle in my body being so tense.. In short I lost it.
I stood my ground though… I stood there, clenched fist and all and rode the wave of anxiety. Once I had my sausage I quickly walked away to the safety of my fave boys and let my heart slow down finally.. but I DID IT! That was the worst panic attack I have had in awhile, mainly because I tend to avoid all situations that test my anxiety. And guess what? I am still here today to tell you all about it! I did not die, no one stood and openly laughed or mocked me, no one tried to hurt me.. I survived unscathed.. and I did it while in Sweat Pants! SWEAT PANTS for Pete’s sake. My brain is wondering now how I would do if I dressed to kill and did all I could to make my outward appearance reflect the Goddess I used to feel lived inside of me. I wish you knew me then. I wish you saw me at my best.. and I had realized I was at my best and rocked it. I wish I had the confidence I saw so many girls in my High School have. In short, hindsight is a bitch.
This post is somewhat scattered, and that might have something to do with the fact that I went to bed at 3ish, and woke up just before 8.. but I feel alive. I stayed out until the wee hours of the morning, and lived to tell about it. I pushed through the panic and it got easier. The longer I stood there, it got easier, and easier.. I even spoke to a stranger once. I smiled at people I didn’t know.. and I even stopped having to ask Mike to be a human shield to hide me from view. At my worst I surrounded myself with my friends and pressed myself as close to the wall as I could in hopes that no one would see me. I couldn’t stop imagining in their drunken state people would look at me and see me and they would be cruel. I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of the times in the past when people pointed and laughed and called me fat… and I was half the size I am now.. I couldn’t breath.. I couldn’t move, and I hid like a coward…. But then my worst passed, and little by little I relaxed. I stopped pulling Mike in front of me as a human shield.. I stopped clenching my fists so I’d be ready if someone attacked. I started to smile, I started to relax, I started to enjoy the feel of the warmth coming from the BBQ mixed with the coolness of the crisp night air. I started to absorb the night life and see that most people just wanted to have fun…. Or a lot of sex. And Most people were oblivious to the fat chick in sweat pants… Most people were just focused on their own magical nights with friends and of course the amazing Bulgarian Sausage carts on Elgin street. (For serious if you are in Ottawa, check out the sausage carts on Elgin they are so unbelievably tasty!!! and made by 2 of the best guys you will ever meet in the world )
I will overcome my anxiety one of these days.. and on another day I will reclaim my body, as I have been doing bit my tiny bit, shedding the old terrified fat chick and one day I will find myself again, and I will love myself. One day I will feel like a Goddess again. (P.s it doesn’t matter if you don’t think I look like a Goddess… when the time comes that I feel like a Goddess, I basically mean that I will feel confident in who I am, and comfortable in my own skin. I will never be a super model, and I would honestly never want to be that thin. I love my curves… I just wish they were smaller curves at the moment)
So go and have an awesome weekend! <3 I know I will !!