I’m sitting here in the hospital parking lot… And it just keeps hitting me. This week, is my LAST WEEK of full shakes. How has it been 12 weeks already?
In the beginning, I felt like I would never stop crying. I couldn’t be in the kitchen, or near food, without feeling as though someone was ripping out my heart by the cheese-strings and I wasn’t ever sure I could make it to the next day.
I remember counting the days I’d been without food… Day dreaming about everything my stomach craved… I had trouble sleeping because even my dreams taunted me… I was a wreck !
Now here I am 11 weeks later, I haven’t cheated, I haven’t given up… And somehow, someway… I’ve made it this far without peeing my pants! (Hello 3 liters of water a day is A LOT for my poor little bladder lol). I’m about to go to a class tonight, I think about transition… I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me is excited and wanting this next week to rush by already so I can be one step closer to normal life again…. But a big part of me is sitting here in the parking lot considering staying here and just not facing the fact that I only have a week left. Pretty soon, I’ll have to test these new skills I’ve learned… I’ll have to plan meals, do groceries, exercise more, and basically do everything I was too fat or too depressed to do earlier. That is scary stuff man!
Life for me lately had been a rollercoaster, some know why, some don’t.. The point is, I’ve been a wreck… But not once did I turn to food. In fact at my worst I didn’t even THINK about food. I’d like to call that a HUGE win for me.
But it isn’t the full truth. I think I’ve just switched one addiction to one or more others…. No not drugs or drinking lol… But you can be addicted to anything really… And how do you know when something is normal… Or when it’s crossed the line into addiction? Have I really changed? Or have I just swapped out one thing for another?
I guess we’ll see in 1 week how strong my will really is…. Only time will tell if I’m truly OK.. Or just masking one disease with another.
Here’s to my last week of full shakes… And to finding balance in all things