OK… So I have a confession. This isn’t something that is easy for me to admit, and it isn’t something that I’ve been wanting to even believe or accept and so, as a result, I have put off posting a blog post about it. Oddly enough, things feel more “real” to me once I’ve gotten them out of my head and down on paper…. or err… the screen.
Anyway, here’s the scoop, over a year ago I did Optifast.. It was amazing, I lost a bucket load of weight and felt SO GOOD!!! (65 lbs lighter to be exact) They transitioned me to food, and I don’t really think I was ready for it, and I don’t think I handled it properly as time went on… Long story short, I wasn’t ready, but they told me to stop the shakes, so I did… I ended up relapsing on my Binge Eating disorder (because as you’ve read in previous posts, I wasn’t aware yet that my medication was CAUSING this disorder) I did not foresee that going back onto food after months to abstaining would basically cause that symptom to go haywire and be worse than before. My hormones are only recently starting to level out, I’d say in the last 2 months things have gotten better, but before that, holy crap it’s been a wild ride.
So what does that mean for me now? Well… It means that in the last few weeks I’ve been dealing with the same pain that I used to deal with, warning bells of course went off, but I ignored them because denial is such a great place to live.
I haven’t weighed myself in months because it’s one of the things I’ve been told repeatedly, that the number doesn’t matter, that there are so many other factors that matter more (i.e how you feel, how clothes fit)… so I ignored the scale. Problem is, in doing that, it just helped me hide in my own little safety bubble and pretend that everything was OK.
A few things helped me stay in this magical denial land I’ve been in, for instance I wore my ankle brace all day a few months back, while wearing my shoes… Sure it was a tight fit (as previous posts have shown the only shoes I can find that fit my feet AND my brace are crocs… and sometimes crocs just don’t cut it man).. but anyway yes, so it was a tight fit… as soon as I took the brace off that night I regretted wearing it immediately. The tendon at the back of my ankle felt like it snapped with the very first step I took, the pain was horrible, and I dealt with it for weeks after… So that was one reason I was able to live in magical bubble land, I started to attribute ALL my pain to that one injury.. For example:
“Well my hips are sore, but that’s because my gait has altered from limping around for weeks”
“Well my ankles are still sore, but the one is because of the injury, and the other is because I’ve been compensating by standing on it more”
All true facts, but at the same time, they were blinders that had me not even considering that the unthinkable was also happening.
I won’t say that Optifast was a bad program. It really did work, and I think had I had different care after the fact, or been allowed to transition differently, or maybe stayed on it longer with more one on one prep to transition off of it, things would be different.. I don’t want you to think I’m saying that the weightloss program has it all wrong… I think I just needed more help than they were able to provide. Add that to the fact that no one realized that a big part of my issue was that my medication was wrong, and I was pretty much guaranteed to have a bad time once the fluffy cloud of optifast was taken away from me.
Sure I still have access to go back onto it if I wanted.. but A) I don’t have the money atm, and B) I want to see if I can do this solo first..
Wait.. I’m getting ahead of myself… SEE I still don’t want to say it, even though it’s probably glaringly obvious by all the things I have mentioned above… Ugh.. OK time to put on my big girl panties (literally LOL) and spill the beans. I can do this…
I am currently 5 lbs away from my heaviest weight. That’s right folks, I lost 65 lbs, and within a year I gained 60 lbs back.
Who’s an idiot? I’m an idiot.
I can still here and keep rationalizing the situation, picking apart the last year and finding all the things that brought me to this point.. but I won’t. What’s the point. I mean yes it would make me feel better, to go back and say HERE this happened and that is why I’m fat… but really, it won’t help me. A lot has happened in the last year, some good, some bad.. The fact of the matter is this… Life happened, and the culmination of all my choices has lead me to the one place I swore could never happen to me again. No more excuses, no more tears (because believe me over the last few days there have been PLENTY), time to move on.
So what’s next?
I am going to attempt a diet… more like a lifestyle change obviously because fad-diets don’t work… and I’m also going to try and do this slowly, and maybe this time around my skin can shrink with me (isn’t that a nice thought… to come out at the other end less flabby lol). I tried Weight Watchers recently, and once again, huge fail. I followed it perfectly, didn’t even dip into those “extra” points on most weeks, and yet here I am… So that’s out.
Time to crack open all the documents the hospital gave me and revisit what I’ve already been taught. I’m also going to try a low carb / high fat diet because really carbs are my weakness and I eat WAY too much carbs. And lastly, I gotta get my butt in gear. Granted right now that last part is terrifying as I AM in a lot of pain on a pretty regular basis… if you see me sitting down more than before, that’s why. Currently, if I walk too much (and by that I mean from one end of the room to the other on some days) my muscles tense up to painful levels, my whole body feels like a Charlie horse. My back keeps bending backwards into a C shape and until I sit down I can’t get the muscles to relax. Every step has my legs muscles / back muscles feeling like they are a split second away from ripping to shreds. I feel as though my body is a guitar string that is wound too tightly and about to snap. Not exactly comfortable. My hips and ankles ache yes, but those are only if I walk too much.. For example, I do a fair amount of walking at work, and then if I need to do groceries after work, which generally tacks on another 1.5 hours of walking), I can barely get up the stairs once home, putting away groceries has me in tears sometimes, and I am basically useless for the rest of the night.
Weirdly I am able to walk doing groceries for so long because the shopping cart is some sort of magical vessel that reduce the muscle cramps, so I can go a lot longer before my ankles give out. I don’t even think a walker would help, unless it was as high as a shopping cart, which I don’t think they are designed to be like LOL, and I don’t think a cane would help either… Really I just need to find a way to bring a shopping cart with me everywhere and I’ll be fine LOL.
Phew.. OK… so I typed this out… and barely cried. Doing good. Let’s keep going.
So I’m back to being fat AF and probably back to being at risk of death any second.. lovely… But at least this time around I have more tools in my belt to figure this out and find my way out of this maze… Now if only I could find a way to install a pool in my basement so I could swim as often as I wanted LOL. (Yes I know there are things called Endless pools that do exactly that, but I don’t have the money for it, nor do I think my landlord (aka Mom) would enjoy me having a SWIMMING pool installed in my house LOL, none of the rooms have been built for err.. being an indoor pool area, so not so good).
OK… so now that I’ve said that, and gotten if off my chest, and pretty much humiliated myself which may make some people who’ve been mad at me lately very happy, I’m going to hit send and go on with my day. It’s lunchtime here at work so I likely won’t get to share this on FB until later… Heck maybe I’ll chicken out and not share it at all… But at least I wrote it.. So that’s a step.
Time to move forward.
OH one last thing.. PLEASE don’t send me a barrage of diet advice… yes I realize that by my being fat and failing at losing weight it looks like I need it, but I don’t. I have the right tools, I know what to do, it’s just a matter of freaking putting it into action and finding ways to work out that don’t rip my muscles open… My diet isn’t as big of an issue as my weight would suggest, I’ve let a few things slide that I will now stop sliding on <-- and in fact I've already started making changes.:) My big issue is finding ways to keep moving without destroying my body while at this weight lol. I also need to find the guts to go to the pool in Aylmer and swim. *sigh* what is so scary about a pool filled with probably mom's and kids LOL... My brain is a fun place to be.. but that pool terrifies me.