Days continue on, oblivious to my need for more time. My hair goes gray slowly, the vestiges of age are draping themselves over me despite my protests.
I don’t care if I grow old you see, the gray hairs don’t bother me, nor to the wrinkles I see cropping up here and there. Those are simply mile stones to mark my passage through life. Each one tells a story, and screams YES I was here, and I have made it through another day. I have survived this.
My protests against time, are simply that I am not ready. I don’t mean about age, or beauty… I simply mean about time. There is never enough, and I feel exhausted most of the time. Wishing I could do everything, be everything to everyone. Wish I could make everyone happy. I can’t, and that is something I don’t think I’m ready to accept yet emotionally. How do you let go of the need to please those you love? Is that even possible!?
I’ve been sad again lately. Not for any reason in particular. I think mostly just because I always feel as though I’m 2 steps behind where I need to be. I haven’t seen any more drops on the scale, as much as I’ve tried. Though I know it is mostly because I haven’t found the time yet to exercise.. Which boils down again to not taking care of myself. I put everyone else’s needs above and ahead of my own, and at the end of the day I never feel accomplished. I never feel complete… I feel most like a hamster running on it’s wheel going around in circles but never getting anywhere.
I think I’ve also been sad because for some reason I’ve been thinking a lot more lately about my passed. I’ve started half a dozen posts on this very subject, only to let them rot in the “Drafts” folder or simply delete them right away. I’m not even sure if this post will see the light of day. But I also feel this need to go over my past mistakes, and regrets and try to learn from them somehow. Try to take the horrible things that happened and make them into something positive that I can use to make myself a better person. I’m trying to find a way to heal I suppose.
Will I ever heal? Will I ever forget his face as he stood over me laughing telling me he knew I liked it rough. Will I ever forget how weak I felt next to him, unable to get up, unable to fight, unable to think clearly. I was pinned, and I was afraid. And that image haunts me. His laughing face… him thinking my protests and pleas and tears meant I was having fun.. that I wanted more. Him thinking it was funny to pin me down so easily, I suppose it made him feel like a “man”.. mostly it just made me feel sick. I remember the feel of my knees burning as I tried to fight him off, and the humiliation that cut through to the very core of who I am, and was, and will ever be. I remember him finally stopping, my fear seeming to sink through his sex crazed brain and realizing what he did.. the trust he broke.. and leaving me there. I remember him ignoring me afterward when we saw each other, hoping I wouldn’t say a word I suppose. Not realizing I couldn’t.. that to admit what had happened, would make it real. So mostly I just spent 2 years pretending those memories were a bad dream. Most of the time I’m OK. Most of the time I don’t think about it… but lately it’s been coming back to the front of my brain more and more. I don’t know what has been bringing it to focus, I just know it hurts. I hate feeling afraid and weak and used. I hate being that vulnerable in my own mind. I hate feeling so fragile.
My brain is all over the place right now, I apologize. I think my mental bank is just spewing all sorts of random out right now in an effort to get it out of my head and onto “paper” which seems to be the best process I have in dealing with all the shit that comes with life.
I don’t know where I was going with this post. Maybe there was no point.. and that’s the point? Maybe I’m insane lol.
Sorry for going all Rape-y with this post :S I don’t know where it came from.. I am still not sure I should post it.. but there may be people out there who feel like I do, and perhaps it would help to know they aren’t alone.
Perhaps it would also help to know that it does get better.. and I currently have a close knit group of friends who are amazing and I love them dearly, and they all happen to be men. It has taken a lot of work, but I am not afraid of ALL men anymore.. And I’m especially not afraid of other men when I’m surrounded by my guy friends, they make me feel safe. SEE I’m not THAT broken.
I’m just trying to find a way to heal the broken parts of my soul.
OH on a positive note I caved and finally bought a new bathing suit. It’s in my current size, which I refuse to accept will be my permanent size.. but it’s something. Now I just need to find the time to go to the local pool, and the money too lol. 8$ a session will get expensive but my health is important. and I want to get healthy. I want to feel beautiful inside and out. I’ve spent YEARS cultivating a kick-ass personality.. now it’s time to cultivate the outside of me too so that I stop feeling as though I’m the fattest ugliest person ever to walk the earth.
Maybe when I find a way to love ALL the parts of me, I’ll stop obsessively re-living the dark splotches of my past. Maybe I’ll start to remember the better times more. Because there were good times. Growing up there were lots of good times. I just have to find them. I know they are hiding out somewhere in my memory vault… Do you remember any good memories from when we were younger? or if we just met, good times since you’ve known me? I’d love to hear some happy memories. It’ll give me something to read and reflect on when the darkness threatens to consume me.
I’ll end this with a happy memory:
When I was younger, swinging in the park with Dianne after we’d gone swimming in my back yard kiddie pool. We’d run to the park in our bathing suits and a towel and head straight for the swings where we’d sing at the top of our lungs all the songs we learned in Brownies, or from the radio and we’d see who could swing higher and higher.. I do believe Di always won as I’ve always been a bit of a chicken lol.
I also remember being a little bit older.. my first kiss. It was with a guy I’d had a mad crush on most of my childhood LOL. I swear childhood crushes are the best. It was my first kiss and my eyes were closed, and I didn’t even care that it was on a dare.. or spin the bottle.. or some other kind of party game kids play as an excuse to kiss someone LOL. All I knew was in that moment I was being kissed.. and as a pre-teen it was about the closest thing to heaven I could imagine. Looking back it must have been so awkward and weird and silly.. but I remember it with my pre-teen memories, and it was magical.
A little bit older now, and I remember my first boyfriend. If you can call highschool “love” a real boyfriend lol. We dated for 2 months I think, and I had no idea what I was doing. We held hands occasionally, and sat beside each other on the bus, and he seemed more afraid of me than anything. I felt so awkward around him and never knew what to say or do because he was my BOYFRIEND OMG lol. I remember too I kept calling him “My boyfriend” instead of what his name actually was… I was just so happy to finally be able to use that word. I remember also that I was an idiot and dumped him for someone else. Looking back I wish I could scream at younger Shannon and explain how the world works, and how super sweet guys are the absolute best things in the world. Maybe if I’d stayed through the awkward phase he’d have stayed my bf longer and I could have avoided some of the darker high school memories I have… Though looking back who knows if he would have ever stayed with me, or if he was thinking of leaving me too lol. It was grade 7.. we were young and immature. I still regret how I broke up with him, and how I dated someone else. Just one more regret on my list.. but that is not the point of this memory.. The point of this memory is to remember how I’d blush every time people said his name, or how I felt knowing at the end of class my BOYFRIEND would be waiting somewhere in the hallway and he might smile at me.. God I was so young LOL. He was a sweet heart back then. I don’t know what he’s doing, or where he’s gotten to, and I wish I did. I hope he stayed a sweet heart, and I hope he found someone amazing to love the stuffing out of him!
A little bit older still, and I remember Mike. Who wrote me at just the right time. I received his email on the day I’d decided to give up looking for love. I went into my Plenty of Fish account to delete it. I had met nothing but crazies and weirdos and I was just tired of it all. But then there was this email sitting there. I am a sucker for un-opened emails and my curiosity got the better of me. He wrote to me about bananas and told me really horrible jokes. He was and still is a sweety and I fell in love. That’s where i am today. Madly in love with my best friend <3
I love love.