I have lost 41 lbs…
I’m not going to lie and say it’s all been sunshine and roses.. you’ve read my blog, obviously it hasn’t. I still do get joint pain if I do too much, I still get dizzy or light-headed if I push myself too far… and lately my brain has been like Swiss cheese…. But I’ve come SO far and all the inconveniences have been worth it.
I’m happy to say that it is a lot easier for me to be around food right now. I think I’ve gotten used to being “that” girl, who drinks her meal while everyone eats. Finally the cravings are dying down somewhat… Don’t get me wrong, they are still there… but it’s more of a normal person’s reaction than the way I used to be. Before when I got a craving for food it would consume me. The more stressed or angry or (insert any strong emotion here) I was, the more intense the craving would be… and the more food it would take to satisfy it. Hence part of the binging. It would be all I could think about.. I’d be sitting here at my computer TRYING to be normal…. but all I could think about was how much I wanted pizza. I’d turn on a favorite show… while playing on my phone… while maintaining 2 Facebook conversations… and none of that was enough to distract me… It was all I could focus on, until I gave in and ate the damned pizza (or whatever the craving had been at the time). My life was hell. I found I couldn’t enjoy the food anymore, because I spent so much time worrying about how much food it would take this time before my mind would let me relax… how close to puking would I have to get before my body would realize that it had had enough… I walked that line, the fine edge between being alive… and dying of a heart attack at an early age. I danced all along the line, unable, and unwilling to stop myself. MORE FOOD… Thankfully I got some help and I haven’t binged in over a year…. but the cravings… Oh My GOD the cravings… they hadn’t left me. Every day was a fight to stay one step ahead of them. I’d plan out all our meals in advance, shop with a list and try not to deviate from said list… I’d think about food with even waking moment:
- Did I eat enough?
- Too much?
- Was there enough veggies to make it healthy?
- Will my bf notice I added more cheese to my dish?
- Should I take the extra cheese out of my dish?
- What?! And waste cheese?
- Mmm that meal was good.. I wonder what I should have for breakfast tomorrow
- Will I eat enough
etc etc etc… vicious cycle that never ended. If I didn’t know what my next meal was going to be I’d panic… if I don’t have a plan, what if I binge?
And I’ll admit.. I snuck food. I am ashamed of it.. but I’ve done it. Stopped into the A&W on the way home from work and had a burger… then went home to eat.. only because my bf hadn’t wanted to eat at A&W the weekend before… that craving would haunt me, and taunt me every day driving by the damn A&W until finally I’d cave.. grab a mozza burger (not a combo just a burger….OK sometimes a combo with a poutine, but I’d never finish the drink.. cause duh I just wanted MORE FOOD……….) and shame-eat in the parking lot hoping no one would see what I was doing. It felt dirty and vulgar… but I HAD to do it, I couldn’t help myself… when the cravings hit, they would not let up.. .EVER.. until I caved in. Imagine when you really have a craving for your fave food… Now imagine that intense feeling never going away, or easing up in the slightest until you give in…. now imagine that your emotional well being was tied into whether or not you were able to give your body what it
needed wanted. That was my life.
People have been awe-struck at my ability to do this diet without cheating… I haven’t eaten in 10 weeks. Honestly, I think I have been prepping myself for this for years, since the eating started to get out of hand. I would dream about being able to not eat… how good it would feel to be free of this jail I’d made for myself. I routinely researched anorexia and “how to be anorexic” articles (not that I’m proud of that, or endorse it…) I would have traded anything in the world to be able to walk away from food and find solace in something other than calories.
But I was never able to escape, never able to even attempt to stop eating (thankfully) because the food was too loud. It was everywhere… it still IS everywhere… but this break has been cathartic. Sure it’s been hard as hell… and I wanted to cry more often then not in the beginning.. I actually CHEWED my shakes (no I didn’t have to.. my mouth just refused to swallow until I chewed something… yes it’s dumb.. but hey my body is weird lol).
Somewhere along the way though, I began to find peace in the knowledge that I didn’t HAVE to have food. I’ve been on shakes for 10 weeks now, and while they are tasty.. they in no way fulfill my binge urges, my nacho cravings, the urge for the crunch, or any of the other multiple things that food provided me with…. and I’m still HERE! I haven’t lost my mind, I haven’t killed anyone… and I’m actually happier and have less anxiety than I have had in so long. The other night, I was having a bad time.. some things were stressing me out and I just couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t the sort of thing I wanted to blog about… so I cried.. and I cried.. and then I cried some more. But there is a silver lining to this gloomy tale…. I didn’t go into the kitchen.. I didn’t order food… I didn’t even get up off the bed and head towards where food would be. I just let myself cry.. and when I could see through the tears, I wrote it out in my journal ( yeah I have a blog and a journal LOL though the journal see’s way less action than you do haha. What can I say, I’m an open book).. I wrote everything I felt.. I wrote and wrote until my fingers hurt… and than I ripped up the paper and threw it out. I took pleasure in ripping up the words, in getting my anger my frustration and my sadness out. By the end I was exhausted, my eyes swollen shut and I probably looked a little insane… Thankfully I was home alone, so who the heck cares.
I didn’t turn to food… and I made it through. I didn’t even WANT to turn to food… I was quite content staying in my comfy bed and crying my eyes out…….. ok maybe content is the wrong word, but you know what I mean. It was the first time something has REALLY bothered me… and my first thought wasn’t NACHOS!. I analyzed my feelings, I found the root(s) of the caus(es) and now I’m working on solutions. That kinda makes me proud of myself.
To me this process has been one of healing… and I realize I have a long way to go… but for the first time in more years then I can recall, I’m OK. At least me and food are OK. I accept that I love food, and enjoy eating it. I know I have the right to eat, and enjoy the food I do eat, and that once I transition back to food I don’t have to give up my favorite foods altogether. I know that in order to lose and than maintain my weight, I will get to implement the awesome skills I am learning and forge a path through life that will eventually get me to this great place where I don’t have to obsess over food anymore because it is second nature.
I also know that after the next 30 lbs is gone, I’ll be skinnier than my boyfriend has ever seen me… every inch, every lb after that 30 is a smaller version of the woman he fell in love with. I can’t wait to get there!
So there you have it, I’ve lost 41 lbs, and I’m slowly repairing my relationship with food. All in all, I’d say this week has been an epic WIN.
Thanks for reading!